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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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LeBron James Encourages NBA To Stop Jumping In Honor Of Michael Jordan

WASHINGTON—Prior to Wednesday's game against the Washington Wizards, Cleveland Cavaliers all-star LeBron James announced that he would stop jumping during professional basketball games in order to properly honor recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan. "MJ jumped a lot. It was his signature. When players jump in this league, whether for a tip-off, a jump shot, or a layup, they're basically copying what Michael Jordan did when he would propel himself upward and lift both feet off the ground," James told reporters in a press conference in which he asked other players to join him in the ground-staying-on tribute. "The fact of the matter is, without MJ changing the game by making his body go up into the air, us young guys wouldn't even know what jumping is." James later scored 38 points against the last-place Wizards with his feet flat on the floor.

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