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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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LeBron James Guarantees Cleveland Will Win Numerous Regular Season Games

CLEVELAND—Immediately following the highly anticipated announcement that he will be returning to the Cavaliers, NBA superstar LeBron James boldly guaranteed that Cleveland will win numerous regular season games, sources confirmed Friday. “It’s not going to be easy, but I can personally assure you that the Cavs will win multiple games now that I’m back home,” the 4-time NBA MVP and Akron, Ohio native told reporters, claiming that putting together as many as four or five regular season wins for the franchise was “more than just a possibility.” “Just look at the team we’ve got: Kyrie Irving, Dion Waiters, Anderson Varejao, and now me. With a squad like that, you know we’re going to be seeing quite a few wins come October. That’s what the people of Cleveland deserve.” James added that, provided everything falls into place for the team, he could even see the Cavaliers putting together back-to-back Eastern Conference Finals losses.

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