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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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LeBron James Guarantees Cleveland Will Win Numerous Regular Season Games

CLEVELAND—Immediately following the highly anticipated announcement that he will be returning to the Cavaliers, NBA superstar LeBron James boldly guaranteed that Cleveland will win numerous regular season games, sources confirmed Friday. “It’s not going to be easy, but I can personally assure you that the Cavs will win multiple games now that I’m back home,” the 4-time NBA MVP and Akron, Ohio native told reporters, claiming that putting together as many as four or five regular season wins for the franchise was “more than just a possibility.” “Just look at the team we’ve got: Kyrie Irving, Dion Waiters, Anderson Varejao, and now me. With a squad like that, you know we’re going to be seeing quite a few wins come October. That’s what the people of Cleveland deserve.” James added that, provided everything falls into place for the team, he could even see the Cavaliers putting together back-to-back Eastern Conference Finals losses.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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