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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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LeBron James: 'Not To Rub It In, But Do You Sort Of See Why I Left The Cavaliers Now?'

MIAMI—Following the Cleveland Cavaliers' Wednesday night loss to the fourth-place Detroit Pistons, LeBron James attempted to point out as gently as possible why leaving the 8-45 basketball team was probably the best decision he could have made. "So, you guys kind of get why I did that now?" James asked reporters, holding up a newspaper showing the Eastern Conference standings and coughing. "I mean, you know, they've lost 26 games in a row. That's a lot of games. I'm good, but I fully admit I can't lead a team like that to the title. Sure, I could have gone about leaving in a much better fashion, but come on, right?" James added that he meant no offense by his comments and that he was "just saying."

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