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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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LeBron James: 'Not To Rub It In, But Do You Sort Of See Why I Left The Cavaliers Now?'

MIAMI—Following the Cleveland Cavaliers' Wednesday night loss to the fourth-place Detroit Pistons, LeBron James attempted to point out as gently as possible why leaving the 8-45 basketball team was probably the best decision he could have made. "So, you guys kind of get why I did that now?" James asked reporters, holding up a newspaper showing the Eastern Conference standings and coughing. "I mean, you know, they've lost 26 games in a row. That's a lot of games. I'm good, but I fully admit I can't lead a team like that to the title. Sure, I could have gone about leaving in a much better fashion, but come on, right?" James added that he meant no offense by his comments and that he was "just saying."

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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