LeBron James Playing Flawless Basketball In Pathetic Bid For Nation's Approval

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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LeBron James Playing Flawless Basketball In Pathetic Bid For Nation's Approval

MIAMI—Shooting 56 percent from the field so far this season and completing an astounding 49 of his last 65 shots, LeBron James has recently taken his game to another level in a transparent and paltry attempt to win widespread admiration, sources confirmed Tuesday. “In typical fashion, LeBron is shamelessly trying to get everyone to like him,” said ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, who mentioned that it was “pitiful” to see James pulling publicity stunts such as improving his rebounding skills and shooting more consistently than any basketball player in history. “It’s sad enough to see him scoring points at will, but when he’s also locking down on defense, making all his teammates look better, and generally improving every facet of his game, it just looks desperate.” Smith added that at least James had toned back his pathetic antics since last season, when the 9-time all star “practically begged” for praise by winning an NBA championship.


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