LeBron James Playing Flawless Basketball In Pathetic Bid For Nation's Approval

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

LeBron James Playing Flawless Basketball In Pathetic Bid For Nation's Approval

MIAMI—Shooting 56 percent from the field so far this season and completing an astounding 49 of his last 65 shots, LeBron James has recently taken his game to another level in a transparent and paltry attempt to win widespread admiration, sources confirmed Tuesday. “In typical fashion, LeBron is shamelessly trying to get everyone to like him,” said ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, who mentioned that it was “pitiful” to see James pulling publicity stunts such as improving his rebounding skills and shooting more consistently than any basketball player in history. “It’s sad enough to see him scoring points at will, but when he’s also locking down on defense, making all his teammates look better, and generally improving every facet of his game, it just looks desperate.” Smith added that at least James had toned back his pathetic antics since last season, when the 9-time all star “practically begged” for praise by winning an NBA championship.

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