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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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LeBron James Playing Flawless Basketball In Pathetic Bid For Nation's Approval

MIAMI—Shooting 56 percent from the field so far this season and completing an astounding 49 of his last 65 shots, LeBron James has recently taken his game to another level in a transparent and paltry attempt to win widespread admiration, sources confirmed Tuesday. “In typical fashion, LeBron is shamelessly trying to get everyone to like him,” said ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, who mentioned that it was “pitiful” to see James pulling publicity stunts such as improving his rebounding skills and shooting more consistently than any basketball player in history. “It’s sad enough to see him scoring points at will, but when he’s also locking down on defense, making all his teammates look better, and generally improving every facet of his game, it just looks desperate.” Smith added that at least James had toned back his pathetic antics since last season, when the 9-time all star “practically begged” for praise by winning an NBA championship.

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