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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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LeBron James Says Complicated Enrollment Form Prevented Him From Signing Up For Slam Dunk Contest

CLEVELAND—Though Cavaliers forward LeBron James stated last year that he fully intended to participate in the 2010 Slam Dunk Contest, the NBA All-Star told reporters Monday that a complicated enrollment form prevented him from signing up. "One of the questions asked me to list any dependents I might have," said a visibly confused James, adding that, while he completed the portion of the form asking what type of dunks he would perform, he was unable to provide the information required on how long each of his dunks would take and how many degrees they would be in total. "I put down my mom as a dunking emergency contact in case I got hurt, but they said the contact had to live in the Dallas area. And what did it mean when it said I could e-file the form?" Defending slam-dunk champion Nate Robinson once again successfully enrolled in the competition, saying that he hires a team of attorneys every year to help him fill out his paperwork.

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