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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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LeBron James Says Complicated Enrollment Form Prevented Him From Signing Up For Slam Dunk Contest

CLEVELAND—Though Cavaliers forward LeBron James stated last year that he fully intended to participate in the 2010 Slam Dunk Contest, the NBA All-Star told reporters Monday that a complicated enrollment form prevented him from signing up. "One of the questions asked me to list any dependents I might have," said a visibly confused James, adding that, while he completed the portion of the form asking what type of dunks he would perform, he was unable to provide the information required on how long each of his dunks would take and how many degrees they would be in total. "I put down my mom as a dunking emergency contact in case I got hurt, but they said the contact had to live in the Dallas area. And what did it mean when it said I could e-file the form?" Defending slam-dunk champion Nate Robinson once again successfully enrolled in the competition, saying that he hires a team of attorneys every year to help him fill out his paperwork.

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