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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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LeBron James Unable To Enjoy MVP Knowing Boston Globe’s Gary Washburn Didn’t Vote For Him

MIAMI—After receiving 120 of 121 first-place votes from NBA media members, Miami Heat star LeBron James admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t enjoy his fourth league Most Valuable Player award with the knowledge that Boston Globe writer Gary Washburn didn’t cast his ballot for him. “Sure, it’s nice to be in the same company as other four-time MVP winners Bill Russell, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Wilt Chamberlain, and Michael Jordan, but knowing Gary Washburn didn’t think I deserved this makes it just seem worthless,” said James, stressing that Washburn, who voted for New York Knicks small forward Carmelo Anthony, is the only journalist whose opinion truly matters within NBA circles. “Yeah, I led my team to a league-best 66-16 record, a 27-game win streak, and averaged over 26 points and 7 assists per game, but honestly, who cares? We all know Gary’s vote is what counts, so I just can’t help but think Carmelo deserves this honor more than I do.” In light of Washburn’s vote, Heat president Pat Riley is reportedly strongly considering trading James after this season.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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