adBlockCheck

Sports

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

Though today he holds a powerful position as head of a leading information technology firm, MergeMedia CEO Gary Lightman told reporters Thursday he, amazingly, worked his way to the very top of the company from humble beginnings as the son of the previous...

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

LeBron James Unable To Enjoy MVP Knowing Boston Globe’s Gary Washburn Didn’t Vote For Him

MIAMI—After receiving 120 of 121 first-place votes from NBA media members, Miami Heat star LeBron James admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t enjoy his fourth league Most Valuable Player award with the knowledge that Boston Globe writer Gary Washburn didn’t cast his ballot for him. “Sure, it’s nice to be in the same company as other four-time MVP winners Bill Russell, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Wilt Chamberlain, and Michael Jordan, but knowing Gary Washburn didn’t think I deserved this makes it just seem worthless,” said James, stressing that Washburn, who voted for New York Knicks small forward Carmelo Anthony, is the only journalist whose opinion truly matters within NBA circles. “Yeah, I led my team to a league-best 66-16 record, a 27-game win streak, and averaged over 26 points and 7 assists per game, but honestly, who cares? We all know Gary’s vote is what counts, so I just can’t help but think Carmelo deserves this honor more than I do.” In light of Washburn’s vote, Heat president Pat Riley is reportedly strongly considering trading James after this season.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close