adBlockCheck

Sports

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Left Bed In Clemens, Pettitte's Shared Hotel Room Clearly Unused

KANSAS CITY—One of the beds in the hotel room occupied by Yankee pitchers and offseason workout partners Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens was left completely untouched during the first night of the team's four-game road series, sources at the Embassy Suites in Kansas City reported early Tuesday morning. "It is quite peculiar, especially since both men were there when I delivered the tray of chocolate-covered strawberries they ordered from room service at 11:30 p.m.," said room maid Maria Santos, who claimed the bed remained exactly as she left it the morning before, save for the removal of one pillow, which was found at the foot of the other bed with a slight tear in the fabric. "Normally I would have been happy to only have to make one bed, had the other one not been a complete mess. And somehow everything on the top of the kitchen table ended up on the floor, too." Andy Pettitte was not available for comment, and is day-to-day with a sore groin.

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close