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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Left Bed In Clemens, Pettitte's Shared Hotel Room Clearly Unused

KANSAS CITY—One of the beds in the hotel room occupied by Yankee pitchers and offseason workout partners Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens was left completely untouched during the first night of the team's four-game road series, sources at the Embassy Suites in Kansas City reported early Tuesday morning. "It is quite peculiar, especially since both men were there when I delivered the tray of chocolate-covered strawberries they ordered from room service at 11:30 p.m.," said room maid Maria Santos, who claimed the bed remained exactly as she left it the morning before, save for the removal of one pillow, which was found at the foot of the other bed with a slight tear in the fabric. "Normally I would have been happy to only have to make one bed, had the other one not been a complete mess. And somehow everything on the top of the kitchen table ended up on the floor, too." Andy Pettitte was not available for comment, and is day-to-day with a sore groin.

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