After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Left-Handed Hitter Sends Little League Team Into Panic

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Panic, confusion, and general chaos swept over the West Chandler, AZ Little League Sunday when, without warning, a player from the South Lubbock, TX team entered the left-handed batter's box. "Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty!" said first baseman Cody Bellinger, apparently unable to do anything except point helplessly at left-handed-hitting Garrett Williams as he notified his teammates of the improbable and unexpected situation. "Watch out, right field! Watch out, second base! Everyone watch out! Right field, move over! Over! I'll cover first!" Manager Jeff Parrish, who was evidently caught off guard and too paralyzed with shock to speak in an intelligible manner, loudly repeated the command "Shift!" for two straight minutes, during which the South Lubbock batter struck out on four pitches.

After Birth

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