After Birth

Teacher Who Learns More From Her Students Than She Teaches Them Fired

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her. Full article.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Left-Handed Hitter Sends Little League Team Into Panic

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Panic, confusion, and general chaos swept over the West Chandler, AZ Little League Sunday when, without warning, a player from the South Lubbock, TX team entered the left-handed batter's box. "Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty!" said first baseman Cody Bellinger, apparently unable to do anything except point helplessly at left-handed-hitting Garrett Williams as he notified his teammates of the improbable and unexpected situation. "Watch out, right field! Watch out, second base! Everyone watch out! Right field, move over! Over! I'll cover first!" Manager Jeff Parrish, who was evidently caught off guard and too paralyzed with shock to speak in an intelligible manner, loudly repeated the command "Shift!" for two straight minutes, during which the South Lubbock batter struck out on four pitches.

After Birth

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