Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

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MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Legal Dream Team Of Coworkers Counsel Woman On Strategy For Speeding Ticket

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Local woman and Helios Network Solutions sales manager Patricia Carson reportedly received astute counsel from a veritable legal dream team of coworkers Tuesday, who dispensed invaluable advice on how to get out of a recent speeding ticket.

The elite legal brain trust, composed of five colleagues who gathered around Carson’s cubicle as she recounted receiving a $120 traffic citation the previous evening, reportedly drew on their comprehensive knowledge of the judicial system to map out an ironclad courtroom strategy that would allow Carson, 35, to successfully contest her ticket.

“That’s bullshit; you should totally fight it,” said Helios junior marketing director Gregory Castle, widely regarded as one of the legal community’s preeminent scholars, upon learning that Carson had been assessed a moving violation for allegedly driving 10 miles per hour faster than the posted speed limit. “It’s a total racket. Usually the police officer won’t even bother showing up to court, and the judge will have to throw out your case.”

“That’s what happened to my cousin,” the renowned expert continued, citing an incontestable precedent reflecting his encyclopedic familiarity with American jurisprudence.

According to workplace sources, over the course of the 10-minute discussion, Carson received a wealth of incisive guidance from her cubicle area’s top advocates, including such mavens of the legal world as software developer Mark Schreiber, junior marketing associate Alyssa Eldridge, and Kevin from tech support.

Working together to advise Carson on an infallible exoneration strategy, the crack team, with a combined three decades of experience in the most complex intricacies of the U.S. legal system, reportedly formulated a brilliant argument rooted in the most unassailable tenets of constitutional law.

“Half the time the radar gun is busted,” said Schreiber, laying the groundwork for a flawless defense that would hold up under the scrutiny of even the most ruthless prosecutor. “They’re just counting on you to pay the ticket anyway. That’s why you gotta call their bluff.”

During the consultation, which witnesses said later continued in the office break room, the acclaimed legal experts noted that if the officer forgot to sign the ticket, or if Carson herself did not verbally acknowledge that she was speeding, she wouldn’t technically have to pay the fine.

The juridical world’s brightest minds also reportedly informed Carson of a little-known loophole in Maryland state law under which sometimes you can just write a letter to the judge explaining that you didn’t see the speed limit sign, an inestimable legal insight that would normally require retaining a seasoned litigator billing upward of $1,200 per hour.

“Even if you were over the limit, you’re totally allowed to drive at the rate of traffic, so as long as you weren’t passing a bunch of cars, you should be good,” said office manager Sarah Gilchrist, 26, a fearsome strategist whose flawless argument recalled the shrewd legal intuition of such legendary jurists as Clarence Darrow and F. Lee Bailey. “All these highway cops care about is meeting their quotas, so they’ll usually back down if you put up a fight. At the very worst, maybe the judge will send you to traffic school, and that way you won’t get any points on your license.”

“Everyone knows that turnoff onto the Pike is a total speed trap anyway,” added the esteemed legal theorist.

Several company sources confirmed Carson’s meeting with her office’s law experts proved even more valuable than the life-saving medical opinions she received earlier in the year after presenting a mole on her neck to the office’s top oncological researchers.

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