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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Legal Dream Team Of Coworkers Counsel Woman On Strategy For Speeding Ticket

HAGERSTOWN, MD—Local woman and Helios Network Solutions sales manager Patricia Carson reportedly received astute counsel from a veritable legal dream team of coworkers Tuesday, who dispensed invaluable advice on how to get out of a recent speeding ticket.

The elite legal brain trust, composed of five colleagues who gathered around Carson’s cubicle as she recounted receiving a $120 traffic citation the previous evening, reportedly drew on their comprehensive knowledge of the judicial system to map out an ironclad courtroom strategy that would allow Carson, 35, to successfully contest her ticket.

“That’s bullshit; you should totally fight it,” said Helios junior marketing director Gregory Castle, widely regarded as one of the legal community’s preeminent scholars, upon learning that Carson had been assessed a moving violation for allegedly driving 10 miles per hour faster than the posted speed limit. “It’s a total racket. Usually the police officer won’t even bother showing up to court, and the judge will have to throw out your case.”

“That’s what happened to my cousin,” the renowned expert continued, citing an incontestable precedent reflecting his encyclopedic familiarity with American jurisprudence.

According to workplace sources, over the course of the 10-minute discussion, Carson received a wealth of incisive guidance from her cubicle area’s top advocates, including such mavens of the legal world as software developer Mark Schreiber, junior marketing associate Alyssa Eldridge, and Kevin from tech support.

Working together to advise Carson on an infallible exoneration strategy, the crack team, with a combined three decades of experience in the most complex intricacies of the U.S. legal system, reportedly formulated a brilliant argument rooted in the most unassailable tenets of constitutional law.

“Half the time the radar gun is busted,” said Schreiber, laying the groundwork for a flawless defense that would hold up under the scrutiny of even the most ruthless prosecutor. “They’re just counting on you to pay the ticket anyway. That’s why you gotta call their bluff.”

During the consultation, which witnesses said later continued in the office break room, the acclaimed legal experts noted that if the officer forgot to sign the ticket, or if Carson herself did not verbally acknowledge that she was speeding, she wouldn’t technically have to pay the fine.

The juridical world’s brightest minds also reportedly informed Carson of a little-known loophole in Maryland state law under which sometimes you can just write a letter to the judge explaining that you didn’t see the speed limit sign, an inestimable legal insight that would normally require retaining a seasoned litigator billing upward of $1,200 per hour.

“Even if you were over the limit, you’re totally allowed to drive at the rate of traffic, so as long as you weren’t passing a bunch of cars, you should be good,” said office manager Sarah Gilchrist, 26, a fearsome strategist whose flawless argument recalled the shrewd legal intuition of such legendary jurists as Clarence Darrow and F. Lee Bailey. “All these highway cops care about is meeting their quotas, so they’ll usually back down if you put up a fight. At the very worst, maybe the judge will send you to traffic school, and that way you won’t get any points on your license.”

“Everyone knows that turnoff onto the Pike is a total speed trap anyway,” added the esteemed legal theorist.

Several company sources confirmed Carson’s meeting with her office’s law experts proved even more valuable than the life-saving medical opinions she received earlier in the year after presenting a mole on her neck to the office’s top oncological researchers.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

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