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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Legal Loophole In Art Modell's Will Eliminates Cleveland Browns Forever

BALTIMORE—Exploiting a legal technicality that allowed him to regain full ownership of the Cleveland Browns organization in death, former team owner Art Modell specified his wish to permanently dismantle the 66-year-old franchise in his last will and testament, family sources reported Tuesday. “It is my dying wish that the Cleveland Browns football team and associated assets be liquidated and distributed amongst the benefactors listed herein,” read part of the document, in which Modell also stripped the franchise of its right to the team’s colors, which the Baltimore Ravens will adopt for their second alternate uniforms beginning next season. “Furthermore, I hereby set aside funds in the amount of $50 million for the creation of a nonprofit foundation dedicated to ensuring that no professional football team moves to or is ever established in the city of Cleveland, from now until the end of time.” At press time, sources confirmed Modell had bequeathed the Browns’ 1964 NFL championship to LeBron James and ordered the immediate demolition of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

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