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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Legal Loophole In Art Modell's Will Eliminates Cleveland Browns Forever

BALTIMORE—Exploiting a legal technicality that allowed him to regain full ownership of the Cleveland Browns organization in death, former team owner Art Modell specified his wish to permanently dismantle the 66-year-old franchise in his last will and testament, family sources reported Tuesday. “It is my dying wish that the Cleveland Browns football team and associated assets be liquidated and distributed amongst the benefactors listed herein,” read part of the document, in which Modell also stripped the franchise of its right to the team’s colors, which the Baltimore Ravens will adopt for their second alternate uniforms beginning next season. “Furthermore, I hereby set aside funds in the amount of $50 million for the creation of a nonprofit foundation dedicated to ensuring that no professional football team moves to or is ever established in the city of Cleveland, from now until the end of time.” At press time, sources confirmed Modell had bequeathed the Browns’ 1964 NFL championship to LeBron James and ordered the immediate demolition of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

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