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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Legendary Trainer Accidentally Grooms Young Boxer To Be Racing Horse

BROOKLYN, NY—Michael Timm, a towering figure in the cloistered world of professional boxing trainers, admitted Wednesday that, through a series of mistakes, he had trained up-and-coming bantamweight Royce Hamanolosa (14-1) to be a racehorse. "I guess I was concentrating on speed work too much… I had him running half-miles for a month and working the speed bag, then three-eighths of a mile on grass and working a nose bag, then galloping a mile every other day before being curry-combed," Timm told reporters. "I take full responsibility, and I thank God that someone realized what was happening just before Royce broke his leg." Hamanalosa forgave Timm for his errors, saying that in many ways he was "in the best shape of his life" and that his victory at Santa Anita now allowed him to demand a six-figure stud fee.

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