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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Legendary Trainer Accidentally Grooms Young Boxer To Be Racing Horse

BROOKLYN, NY—Michael Timm, a towering figure in the cloistered world of professional boxing trainers, admitted Wednesday that, through a series of mistakes, he had trained up-and-coming bantamweight Royce Hamanolosa (14-1) to be a racehorse. "I guess I was concentrating on speed work too much… I had him running half-miles for a month and working the speed bag, then three-eighths of a mile on grass and working a nose bag, then galloping a mile every other day before being curry-combed," Timm told reporters. "I take full responsibility, and I thank God that someone realized what was happening just before Royce broke his leg." Hamanalosa forgave Timm for his errors, saying that in many ways he was "in the best shape of his life" and that his victory at Santa Anita now allowed him to demand a six-figure stud fee.

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