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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Length Of Relationship Mistaken For Quality Of Relationship

DOVER, DE—Following local couple Mark and Diane Raftery’s 25-year wedding anniversary this weekend, friends and family reportedly reflected on the pair’s milestone by mistaking the length of their relationship for its quality. “Wow, 25 years is incredible—it’s a true testament to the bond Mark and Diane share,” said one acquaintance, believing that the sheer passage of time since the two married indicates the presence of a deep and meaningful emotional connection that actually enriches both of their lives. “It’s so great to see them together after all these years. Not that many couples can say they’ve lasted that long. They definitely have something special.” Those close to the Rafterys are also said to have mistakenly referred to their paralyzing fear of being alone as “true love.”

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