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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Length Of Relationship Mistaken For Quality Of Relationship

DOVER, DE—Following local couple Mark and Diane Raftery’s 25-year wedding anniversary this weekend, friends and family reportedly reflected on the pair’s milestone by mistaking the length of their relationship for its quality. “Wow, 25 years is incredible—it’s a true testament to the bond Mark and Diane share,” said one acquaintance, believing that the sheer passage of time since the two married indicates the presence of a deep and meaningful emotional connection that actually enriches both of their lives. “It’s so great to see them together after all these years. Not that many couples can say they’ve lasted that long. They definitely have something special.” Those close to the Rafterys are also said to have mistakenly referred to their paralyzing fear of being alone as “true love.”

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