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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Leno Begs Simpson To Kill Again

BURBANK, CA—In an impassioned, nationally televised plea Monday, a teary-eyed Jay Leno begged O.J. Simpson to commit more murders.

O.J. Simpson returns home following last month's civil trial. Inset: Jay Leno, sorely lacking material, is imploring him to kill again.

"I beg of you, Mr. Simpson. I have no more material since your trial ended," the Tonight Show host said. "If you have any decency, any compassion at all, hear my plea to kill someone else."

"I am certain," Leno continued, "that last month's civil judgment was financially ruinous to you. No doubt, you feel a profound sense of anger over the verdict. That is why today I am urging you to translate that anger into action, violent action against an innocent victim, preferably a celebrity."

In the event that Simpson is unwilling to commit another murder, Leno asked that, at the very least, he sexually brutalize someone.

"For 30 years, The Tonight Show has been America's premier comedic institution. But now, that great tradition is in jeopardy. O.J., America needs another high-profile homicide to show us how to laugh again."

When pressed to name a person for Simpson to murder, Leno suggested an ex-girlfriend. "That would certainly provide a gold mine for us to work with. Perhaps you could slash her throat, and I then could remark, 'Boy, O.J.'s been slashing so much lately, I hear Kmart's looking to hire him.'"

"Because they slash a lot of prices," he added.

Upon the joke's completion, Tonight Show bandleader Kevin Eubanks, at Leno's side for the press conference, slapped his guitar and chuckled good-naturedly.

Leno, who built years of monologue material on the premise that Simpson actually committed the murders, was adamant in his plea. "I am not asking for a methodical, time-consuming, difficult murder. Please, just a clumsy, poorly planned crime of passion like last time."

Upon completion of his remarks, Leno concluded the press conference with a surprise appearance by the Dancing Itos, an outrageous can-can line comprised of Judge Lance Ito lookalikes.

The Tonight Show host's impassioned plea to Simpson has been well received by other talk-show hosts. "I too pray that O.J. Simpson will kill again," fellow NBC late-nighter Conan O'Brien said. "O.J. Simpson has a responsibility, an obligation to American comedy. Simpson-based humor is a great American tradition. The man owes it to the American television-viewing public to commit another murder."

O'Brien then made an impassioned plea of his own, imploring former presidential candidate Bob Dole to run for public office once more.

Among ordinary Americans, reaction to Leno's unusual plea has been sympathetic. "I feel for Jay," said regular Tonight Show viewer Gayle Edmonds of Battle Creek, MI. "His monologues have been flat lately. Madonna, Dennis Rodman and the whole Clinton fund-raising mess, that's not what I would call humor. Not a single one of them has ever stabbed a person to death in a jealous rage."

Simpson could not be reached for comment at press time, as he was "golfing" in the Caribbean "somewhere" for an "indefinite time."

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