LensCrafters, Pearle Vision Agree To Prisoner Exchange

Top Headlines


Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

LensCrafters, Pearle Vision Agree To Prisoner Exchange

Pearle Vision employees held by LensCrafters have reportedly been forced to listen to and repeat the company’s “You’ll see. We’re better.” slogan hundreds of times per day.
Pearle Vision employees held by LensCrafters have reportedly been forced to listen to and repeat the company’s “You’ll see. We’re better.” slogan hundreds of times per day.

BEAVERCREEK, OH—In a sign that tensions may at last be thawing between the bitter eyewear rivals, LensCrafters and Pearle Vision reportedly agreed to a prisoner exchange Thursday following months of negotiations.

Officials confirmed that five LensCrafters retail clerks incarcerated at Pearle Vision’s Beavercreek branch will be freed in order to secure the release of seven Pearle Vision workers—including several high-value optometrists and a shift manager who went missing in 2009—as part of a rare act of diplomacy amid the acrimonious conflict that has long raged between the prescription eyeglass chains.

“After extensive talks, we have ensured the release of our team members and are eager to repatriate them to the nearest LensCrafters location,” said negotiator Howard Elliott from LensCrafters corporate headquarters, referring to workers who have been forcibly detained in the stockroom of Pearle Vision’s Columbus, OH, Tuttle Crossing Shopping Center location for over 18 months. “Assuming that our counterparts fulfill their end of the agreement, we will be proceeding with the eyewear consultant exchange immediately.”

“Though many more of our floor associates remain captive in our competitor’s vision care centers across the country, we hope that this transfer signals a willingness to lessen the climate of mistrust and open hostility that has plagued LensCrafters-Pearle Vision relations for decades,” Elliott continued.

According to company representatives who spoke on condition of anonymity, the prisoner swap will occur at a neutral site in the parking lot of the Payless ShoeSource at The Mall at Fairfield Commons in suburban Dayton. The exchange will reportedly be overseen by third-party mediator and soft pretzel vendor Auntie Anne’s, which has helped broker previous accords between the optical chains, including a famous 1998 treaty that required the warring companies to suspend any buy-one-get-one deals on select pairs of no-line bifocals, as well as last year’s non-proliferation agreement that compelled both parties to reduce their massive stockpiles of sunlight-activated Transitions lenses.

According to sources, the prisoner transfer was delayed due to a number of sticking points, including Pearle Vision’s refusal to come to the table until its rival agreed to remove all Ralph Lauren and DKNY frames from its clearance display racks as a prerequisite to any good faith discussions.

Negotiations were reportedly also nearly scuttled due to LensCrafters’ refusal to turn over Cincinnati Pearle Vision on-site optician David Kowalski, who was captured by rival forces earlier this year after allegedly attempting to reconnoiter a nearby LensCrafters mini-mall storefront during his lunch break.

“While we are focused on welcoming home our brave eye care specialists, we must also remember that our rival’s history of abuse toward its prisoners leaves open the possibility that our staff members may have been tortured while in captivity,” said Pearle Vision general manager Pete Bridgman, referring to persistent allegations that detainees held in LensCrafters locations have been shackled in eye examination chairs for hours at a time and fitted with high tint density Ray-Ban sunglasses that leave them shrouded in virtual darkness. “Should we learn of such cruel treatment, it will leave us no option other than swift and devastating retaliation by offering free scratch-resistant lens coating, which will viciously undercut our competition and draw in considerable foot traffic.”

As confirmed by experts on the conflict’s history, the prisoner exchange represents a rare moment of détente in a long-running dispute between the two eyeglass retailers that has, at numerous points in years past, veered dangerously close to the full-scale mutual launch of “lowest price guarantee” promotions.

However, with both sides reportedly continuing to amass increasing quantities of affordable polycarbonate, trivex, and photochromic lenses, experts warned that the de-escalation of tensions achieved by the prisoner swap may only be temporary.

“Releasing a few detainees is a noteworthy accomplishment, but it’s only a small step in a struggle that has already left a swath of destruction across shopping centers and outdoor malls throughout the United States,” said independent observer and Lids executive Lloyd Hayward. “Regardless of whether this transfer goes through, both sides have been threatening to institute sweeping back-to-school savings on all TAG Heuer rimless and semi-rimless glasses that, if enacted, will result in prices being slashed on a level unlike anything we’ve seen since this war’s outbreak.”

“And if that happens, all hell will break loose,” he added.