adBlockCheck

Business

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content
End Of Section
  • More News

LensCrafters, Pearle Vision Agree To Prisoner Exchange

Pearle Vision employees held by LensCrafters have reportedly been forced to listen to and repeat the company’s “You’ll see. We’re better.” slogan hundreds of times per day.
Pearle Vision employees held by LensCrafters have reportedly been forced to listen to and repeat the company’s “You’ll see. We’re better.” slogan hundreds of times per day.

BEAVERCREEK, OH—In a sign that tensions may at last be thawing between the bitter eyewear rivals, LensCrafters and Pearle Vision reportedly agreed to a prisoner exchange Thursday following months of negotiations.

Officials confirmed that five LensCrafters retail clerks incarcerated at Pearle Vision’s Beavercreek branch will be freed in order to secure the release of seven Pearle Vision workers—including several high-value optometrists and a shift manager who went missing in 2009—as part of a rare act of diplomacy amid the acrimonious conflict that has long raged between the prescription eyeglass chains.

“After extensive talks, we have ensured the release of our team members and are eager to repatriate them to the nearest LensCrafters location,” said negotiator Howard Elliott from LensCrafters corporate headquarters, referring to workers who have been forcibly detained in the stockroom of Pearle Vision’s Columbus, OH, Tuttle Crossing Shopping Center location for over 18 months. “Assuming that our counterparts fulfill their end of the agreement, we will be proceeding with the eyewear consultant exchange immediately.”

“Though many more of our floor associates remain captive in our competitor’s vision care centers across the country, we hope that this transfer signals a willingness to lessen the climate of mistrust and open hostility that has plagued LensCrafters-Pearle Vision relations for decades,” Elliott continued.

According to company representatives who spoke on condition of anonymity, the prisoner swap will occur at a neutral site in the parking lot of the Payless ShoeSource at The Mall at Fairfield Commons in suburban Dayton. The exchange will reportedly be overseen by third-party mediator and soft pretzel vendor Auntie Anne’s, which has helped broker previous accords between the optical chains, including a famous 1998 treaty that required the warring companies to suspend any buy-one-get-one deals on select pairs of no-line bifocals, as well as last year’s non-proliferation agreement that compelled both parties to reduce their massive stockpiles of sunlight-activated Transitions lenses.

According to sources, the prisoner transfer was delayed due to a number of sticking points, including Pearle Vision’s refusal to come to the table until its rival agreed to remove all Ralph Lauren and DKNY frames from its clearance display racks as a prerequisite to any good faith discussions.

Negotiations were reportedly also nearly scuttled due to LensCrafters’ refusal to turn over Cincinnati Pearle Vision on-site optician David Kowalski, who was captured by rival forces earlier this year after allegedly attempting to reconnoiter a nearby LensCrafters mini-mall storefront during his lunch break.

“While we are focused on welcoming home our brave eye care specialists, we must also remember that our rival’s history of abuse toward its prisoners leaves open the possibility that our staff members may have been tortured while in captivity,” said Pearle Vision general manager Pete Bridgman, referring to persistent allegations that detainees held in LensCrafters locations have been shackled in eye examination chairs for hours at a time and fitted with high tint density Ray-Ban sunglasses that leave them shrouded in virtual darkness. “Should we learn of such cruel treatment, it will leave us no option other than swift and devastating retaliation by offering free scratch-resistant lens coating, which will viciously undercut our competition and draw in considerable foot traffic.”

As confirmed by experts on the conflict’s history, the prisoner exchange represents a rare moment of détente in a long-running dispute between the two eyeglass retailers that has, at numerous points in years past, veered dangerously close to the full-scale mutual launch of “lowest price guarantee” promotions.

However, with both sides reportedly continuing to amass increasing quantities of affordable polycarbonate, trivex, and photochromic lenses, experts warned that the de-escalation of tensions achieved by the prisoner swap may only be temporary.

“Releasing a few detainees is a noteworthy accomplishment, but it’s only a small step in a struggle that has already left a swath of destruction across shopping centers and outdoor malls throughout the United States,” said independent observer and Lids executive Lloyd Hayward. “Regardless of whether this transfer goes through, both sides have been threatening to institute sweeping back-to-school savings on all TAG Heuer rimless and semi-rimless glasses that, if enacted, will result in prices being slashed on a level unlike anything we’ve seen since this war’s outbreak.”

“And if that happens, all hell will break loose,” he added.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close