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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Leonardo DiCaprio Hopes He Screamed And Cried Good Enough In ‘The Revenant’ To Win Oscar

LOS ANGELES—Asked for his thoughts on his Academy Award nomination for Best Actor, Leonardo DiCaprio told reporters Thursday that he really hopes he screamed and cried good enough in The Revenant to win the Oscar. “I yelled really loud in this movie when I was angry and I started crying hard after I got upset, so hopefully the guys who choose the winners saw all that and liked it,” said DiCaprio, who expressed optimism that his chances will be further bolstered by the fact that, in addition to stumbling and falling a bunch of times in the snow, there were some scenes where he shouted so loud it made his throat hurt, and sometimes spittle even came out of his mouth and got trapped in the big, gross beard he grew. “I bet my chances are good because this is the most I’ve ever screamed and cried—way more than I did in Revolutionary Road or Gangs Of New York. Plus my nose was dripping a lot but I didn’t even wipe it; I just left it there.” DiCaprio then admitted that he is still somewhat nervous that he did a bad job during the parts where he sits quietly and looks at something far away.


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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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