adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Les Miles Assures Recruits’ Parents His Players Are Like Sons He Can Cut At Any Time

BATON ROUGE, LA—While speaking to several potential Louisiana State University football recruits Monday, head coach Les Miles reportedly reassured the high schoolers’ parents that he considers the players on his team like his own sons whom he can cut from the team anytime he wants. “These boys aren’t just pieces on my roster—I treat them like my very own flesh and blood and won’t hesitate to cut them at the drop of a hat if they start underperforming,” Miles said to the mother of LSU Tigers quarterback prospect Jerome Fielding, emphasizing that he cares for his student-athletes much in the same way a father would care for his children whom he would immediately dismiss in the event one of them was injured or hit his athletic ceiling earlier than expected. “Rest assured, Mrs. Fielding, if Jerome chooses LSU, he won’t just be getting a great education and the opportunity to play for a top football program; he’ll become part of a new family. A family who, if he has a bad week, or if another family member comes along with better field vision and quicker feet in the pocket, won’t hesitate in the slightest to throw him on the bench for the rest of the season, after which he’ll be kicked out of the family and lose his scholarship.” Reached for comment, several current LSU players told reporters that they themselves consider Miles a father figure whose contract will likely be bought out if the Tigers don’t go at least 10-2 this season.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close