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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Les Miles Assures Recruits’ Parents His Players Are Like Sons He Can Cut At Any Time

BATON ROUGE, LA—While speaking to several potential Louisiana State University football recruits Monday, head coach Les Miles reportedly reassured the high schoolers’ parents that he considers the players on his team like his own sons whom he can cut from the team anytime he wants. “These boys aren’t just pieces on my roster—I treat them like my very own flesh and blood and won’t hesitate to cut them at the drop of a hat if they start underperforming,” Miles said to the mother of LSU Tigers quarterback prospect Jerome Fielding, emphasizing that he cares for his student-athletes much in the same way a father would care for his children whom he would immediately dismiss in the event one of them was injured or hit his athletic ceiling earlier than expected. “Rest assured, Mrs. Fielding, if Jerome chooses LSU, he won’t just be getting a great education and the opportunity to play for a top football program; he’ll become part of a new family. A family who, if he has a bad week, or if another family member comes along with better field vision and quicker feet in the pocket, won’t hesitate in the slightest to throw him on the bench for the rest of the season, after which he’ll be kicked out of the family and lose his scholarship.” Reached for comment, several current LSU players told reporters that they themselves consider Miles a father figure whose contract will likely be bought out if the Tigers don’t go at least 10-2 this season.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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