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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Les Miles Assures Recruits’ Parents His Players Are Like Sons He Can Cut At Any Time

BATON ROUGE, LA—While speaking to several potential Louisiana State University football recruits Monday, head coach Les Miles reportedly reassured the high schoolers’ parents that he considers the players on his team like his own sons whom he can cut from the team anytime he wants. “These boys aren’t just pieces on my roster—I treat them like my very own flesh and blood and won’t hesitate to cut them at the drop of a hat if they start underperforming,” Miles said to the mother of LSU Tigers quarterback prospect Jerome Fielding, emphasizing that he cares for his student-athletes much in the same way a father would care for his children whom he would immediately dismiss in the event one of them was injured or hit his athletic ceiling earlier than expected. “Rest assured, Mrs. Fielding, if Jerome chooses LSU, he won’t just be getting a great education and the opportunity to play for a top football program; he’ll become part of a new family. A family who, if he has a bad week, or if another family member comes along with better field vision and quicker feet in the pocket, won’t hesitate in the slightest to throw him on the bench for the rest of the season, after which he’ll be kicked out of the family and lose his scholarship.” Reached for comment, several current LSU players told reporters that they themselves consider Miles a father figure whose contract will likely be bought out if the Tigers don’t go at least 10-2 this season.

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