Lesbian Identity Ends Abruptly Mid-Junior Year

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Vol 38 Issue 03

Magazine Says You Have Sex And The City Fever

NEW YORK—According to the new issue of Us magazine, you, like the rest of the nation, are caught up in Sex And The City fever. "Everybody's abuzz about Miranda's baby, Carrie and Aidan's breakup, and Samantha's shocking flirtation with monogamy," stated the article, which also noted that everybody, yourself included, can't stop talking about Sex And The City star Sarah Jessica Parker's recent Golden Globe win. The article was accompanied by a sidebar containing several "spoiler" factoids for upcoming episodes, which it correctly guessed you would not want to read.

Comeback Much Harsher Than Insult

MANKATO, MN—A gentle prod elicited a disproportionately harsh retort Monday, when office wag Kenneth Adamle was loudly told by coworker Bryan Lemon that at least Lemon's wife didn't cheat on him with a floor-tile installer. "Holy shit, I just said he's putting on a bit of a spare tire," a stunned Adamle said after the exchange. "What's up his ass that he's bringing up my divorce?"

ER Doctor Secretly Thinks Of Self As Ward's George Clooney

KANSAS CITY, MO—Dr. Andrew Lassiter, a St. Luke's Medical Center emergency-room physician, secretly regards himself as the hospital's real-life equivalent to George Clooney's character on the hit NBC show ER. "He'd never admit it, but Andrew clearly thinks he's St. Luke's answer to Dr. Doug Ross," said triage nurse Paulette Wyndham. "He has this cocky swagger, and whenever women are around, he turns on what he seems to think is some kind of manly, roguish charm." Wyndham added that, with his diminutive stature, beady eyes, and bald head, Lassiter is more like Mercy's Dr. Romano.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Described To Sioux City Relatives

FL, attempted to convey the taste, texture, and general deliciousness of Krispy Kreme doughnuts to their Sioux City relatives. "They're doughnuts, but not, like, doughnut-doughnuts," Phillip told second cousin Jon Colangelo. "They're not like the cakey, Dunkin' Donuts kind, but more like, you know, the ones that are more like bread, only fried or glazed or something." Over the course of the next 10 minutes, Melissa cited nearly a dozen other popular pastries for comparative purposes, prompting Colangelo to express hope that a Krispy Kreme outlet would one day open in Sioux City.

French Teacher Forces Student To Inform Her Of Bathroom Fire In French

FRANKFORT, KY—Jenny Block, a Crestwood High School ninth-grader, attempted to tell French teacher Madame Shapiro about a fire in the girls' second-floor bathroom Monday, only to be ordered to speak French. "En française," Shapiro told the frantic, wildly gesticulating Block. "S'il ya un feu dans le WC, dites-moi dans la langue propre. D'accord?" Block then tried to say, "Allyson Dorner threw a lit cigarette in the garbage, and it burst into flames, and now there's a huge fire spreading all over the bathroom!" in French, but got stuck on the word for "threw."

The Enron Scandal

Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What do you think?

Take This Job And Love It

Yo, yo, yo, H-Dog is back in tha house, all-new an' luvvin' tha boos in tha '02, know what I'm sayin'? First off, big upz to tha whole Midstate Office Supply Accountz Reeceevable posse, who took top honaz at tha officewide holiday banquet foe Best Departmental Attendance of 2001. Aw, yeah, you know how we do.
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Lesbian Identity Ends Abruptly Mid-Junior Year

OBERLIN, OH—Three semesters after adopting the sexual identity, Amanda Oppel, a junior women's-studies major at Oberlin College, abruptly dropped her highly politicized lesbian stance Monday.

A photo of Oppel taken during her 16 months of lesbianism.

"I just need to focus on different priorities right now," said Oppel, 20. "I'm graduating next year, and my dad's not going to foot the bill forever." She also alluded to "maybe going back east to get an MBA."

Stunned by the announcement, Oppel's friends and fellow lesbian activists have struggled to understand the sudden reversal of sexual orientation.

"What the hell?" said Ellen Yang, leader of the Campus Womyn's Caucus and self-described "oppressed lesbian of color." "Just three weeks ago, she road-tripped with us to San Fran for the big Menstruation Day rally. Now, she's suddenly not a dyke anymore? And what's with the outfit she was wearing? Since when does the infamous militant lesbian revolutionary Amanda Oppel wear Banana Republic sweaters and denim Gap skirts?"

Oppel first revealed her intentions to abandon lesbianism at approximately 3 a.m. Monday, toward the conclusion of an emotional six-hour conversation with Leslie Heenan-Lynn. A fellow activist and her girlfriend of four months, Heenan-Lynn was shocked when Oppel "dropped the bomb."

"Leslie was totally crying," said Katie Jacobsen, 19, one of Heenan-Lynn's roommates at the Tralfamadore Co-Op housing facility. "She said Amanda had been acting weird and avoiding her all month. Then she said Amanda told her she wanted to re-evaluate their relationship. Leslie said maybe it's because their sex life was so bad. I never knew this, but, apparently, Amanda wasn't ever really all that affectionate in private. Isn't that strange? The way she'd yell and scream at rallies, I always assumed Amanda was a total lesbian sexual dynamo."

According to friends, Heenan-Lynn started getting "weird vibes" from Oppel upon her return from a December trip to Barbados with her father, investment banker Jonathan Oppel, 55, and his new wife Cassie, 31. Sources close to the Oppels report that Amanda, who had been distant from her father prior to the vacation, "really bonded" with him on the trip. She also reportedly spent a great deal of time with fellow travelers and close family friends Greg and Karen Garner, and even more with their son Brad, 23, heir to the Garner office-supply empire.

According to a phone conversation overheard by roommate and interpretive-dance performance artist Clytemnestra Moon, Oppel plans to meet Brad Garner in Ibiza over Spring Break.

"This is just beyond comprehension, Amanda giving up The Life to be with the oppressor," Moon said. "And she showed such enthusiasm for lesbian consciousness, too. Especially when it came to fundraising."

An ambitious student who was active in student government at her Mamaroneck, NY, high school, Oppel first showed signs of an emergent lesbian identity in September 2000. That fall, shortly after enrolling in an Intro To Women's History course, she began wearing Birkenstock sandals and listening to Ani DiFranco. She quickly rose through the ranks of Oberlin's progressive activist scene, becoming a fixture at Student Empowerment Network meetings.

Oppel, post-lesbianism.

Her campus political career reached a new peak last year, when, running on a lesbian-empowerment platform, she was elected co-president of the Progressive Student Council Steering Committee. In the fall semester of 2001, Oppel reduced her courseload to just eight credits to devote herself more fully to "awareness-raising" and her "Her Turn" column in the alternative student newspaper The Insurrectionist.

Throughout her 16-month lesbian tenure, Oppel frequently made provocative, inflammatory pronouncements of lesbian power, often criticizing her male classmates for their "phallocentric gender slavery."

"Man, I remember once telling her I thought her friend Liz was kind of cute," said fellow junior Mike Nygard, 20. "She got unbelievably offended and lectured me for two hours on Lookism and the society-wide evils of the Male Gaze. At the time, I felt awful and apologized profusely for my insensitivity. I remember thinking how lucky I was to have someone like Amanda to point out how sexist I didn't even know I was being. Now, though, I'm thinking maybe she was just being a sanctimonious, self-righteous bitch. Of course, it would be sexist of me to think that, but I sort of do."

Despite the shock among Oppel's classmates, older lesbians familiar with the situation were not surprised by the gender-preference reversal.

"Really? An East Coast rebel girl suddenly isn't a dyke anymore halfway through her junior year of college? That's shocking," said Gwen Mims, 46, author and Oberlin women's-studies professor. "What a stunner. Wow."

Nevertheless, many of Oppel's former peers still cannot bring themselves to believe that her angry-dyke-activist days are over.

"It just doesn't add up," said Campus Womyn's Caucus chairwomon Mia Petrovich, 20. "If it's true, that would imply that there is some aspect of collegiate revolutionary Marxist-feminist lesbian identity that is, in some way, less than completely genuine. And that's something my most heartfelt convictions will simply not allow me to accept, at least for the next few semesters, anyway."

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