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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Less Popular Friend Proposes Combining Birthdays Into Single Party

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying it would be fun to have everyone together in the same place, local man David Coughlin reportedly proposed combining his birthday party with that of his far more popular friend, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I know my birthday’s a couple weeks after yours, but maybe it’d be cool if we just threw one huge bash together,” said Coughlin, who, without assistance from his more gregarious friend Ryan Whatley, would only have been able to scrape together a mere handful of acquaintances for a celebration dedicated solely to himself. “I feel like our guest lists probably overlap a ton, so people won’t have to worry about making it out to two separate parties. Besides, if we pool our money together, maybe we could even rent out a bar or something.” At press time, Coughlin was enthusiastically proposing that they even make the combined party kind of a yearly tradition.

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