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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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Less Popular Friend Proposes Combining Birthdays Into Single Party

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying it would be fun to have everyone together in the same place, local man David Coughlin reportedly proposed combining his birthday party with that of his far more popular friend, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I know my birthday’s a couple weeks after yours, but maybe it’d be cool if we just threw one huge bash together,” said Coughlin, who, without assistance from his more gregarious friend Ryan Whatley, would only have been able to scrape together a mere handful of acquaintances for a celebration dedicated solely to himself. “I feel like our guest lists probably overlap a ton, so people won’t have to worry about making it out to two separate parties. Besides, if we pool our money together, maybe we could even rent out a bar or something.” At press time, Coughlin was enthusiastically proposing that they even make the combined party kind of a yearly tradition.

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