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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Less Popular Friend Proposes Combining Birthdays Into Single Party

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying it would be fun to have everyone together in the same place, local man David Coughlin reportedly proposed combining his birthday party with that of his far more popular friend, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I know my birthday’s a couple weeks after yours, but maybe it’d be cool if we just threw one huge bash together,” said Coughlin, who, without assistance from his more gregarious friend Ryan Whatley, would only have been able to scrape together a mere handful of acquaintances for a celebration dedicated solely to himself. “I feel like our guest lists probably overlap a ton, so people won’t have to worry about making it out to two separate parties. Besides, if we pool our money together, maybe we could even rent out a bar or something.” At press time, Coughlin was enthusiastically proposing that they even make the combined party kind of a yearly tradition.

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