Lewinsky Subpoenaed To Re-Blow Clinton On Senate Floor

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Vol 35 Issue 04

Plane Delay Leaves Hundreds Whiny

ATLANTA—A flight-routing error at Hartsfield International Airport delayed the departure of Delta Airlines Flight 387 nearly 40 minutes, leaving over 200 travelers whiny and dozens more pissy. "This sucks," whined Janet Hoesch of Huntington Beach, CA. "What are we supposed to do, just sit here?" Free meal vouchers redeemable at any of the airport's 23 restaurants eased the whining only slightly. "Oh, great, 10 bucks worth of food," bitched Jim Heinrich, one of countless passengers left unappeased by the vouchers. "If they can't get us there on time, they should refund the whole ticket price."

Daddy Hitting Mommy Again

MURFREESBORO, TN—In the fourth such reprisal for bad behavior this week, Daddy is hitting Mommy again, under-the-bed sources reported Tuesday. The hitting, which was caused by Mommy's failure to have dinner ready on time again, also involved screaming, lamp-breaking and sobbing, as well as bad words. It is hoped that Mommy learns to behave better so that similar hitting incidents can be avoided in the future.

Bernadette Peters Comes Up Twice In One Day

COLUMBUS, OH—In an incident observers are calling "kinda weird," mid-level celebrity Bernadette Peters' name came up twice Monday in separate conversations had by Columbus resident Chris Loew. "At like noon, I forget what brought it up, but me and this guy Rich were talking about that one part in The Jerk where Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters sing that song," Loew, a 22-year-old pizza-delivery driver, told reporters. "Then, like five hours later, me and my buddy Dave were vegging out, watching Animaniacs, and he was like, 'Did you know that Bernadette Peters does the voice for Rita?' It was so freaky." Adding significantly to the freakiness, Loew said, was a narrowly averted triple-referencing of Peters at approximately 11:30 p.m.: "Me, Jeff and Josh were gonna watch [the Peters film] Silent Movie, but we wound up playing Sega instead. That would have been insane." Pop-culture statisticians estimate the odds of a single-day triple-Peters reference to be 4,750,000 to 1.

Russia's Power Shut Off

MOSCOW—Russia came one step closer to eviction Monday when the beleaguered nation's electricity was shut off due to nonpayment. "Russia has been on thin ice for months now," landlord Bob Nowicki said. "They keep saying they'll pay the bill, they'll take care of it, but then nothing happens." Russian president Boris Yeltsin has begged Nowicki to restore power, promising him that the nation will "almost definitely" have the money by the end of the week, when the World Bank is slated to vote on a $5.3 billion Russian aid package. Monday's power shut-off leaves more than 148 million Russians without heat or running water. "I hope our leaders can somehow come up with the cash to cover rent," St. Petersburg resident Olga Krupskaya said. "This would be a difficult time of year to have to find a new country." Russia has already forfeited its $44 trillion security deposit.

Hubby Rick... Ya Gotta Love Him!

First off, I'd like to thank all those Jeanketeers out there who've written to express their condolences for the passing of my dear kitty, Arthur. That includes the woman who sent me information about the grieving-cat-owner website, goodbyekitty.com. I wish I could say it comforted me, but scrolling past those dozens of kitty obituaries just bummed me out even more. But it's nice to know there are so many people out there who care.
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Lewinsky Subpoenaed To Re-Blow Clinton On Senate Floor

WASHINGTON, DC—On the heels of last week's decision to allow witness testimony in the presidential impeachment trial, key witness Monica Lewinsky was subpoenaed Monday to re-blow President Clinton on the Senate floor.

Above: Lewinsky arrives in D.C.

The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court order, will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the president, was described by Senate leaders as a "regrettable but unfortunately very necessary" move.

"This trial is not about sex, it's about perjury," Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our job is to determine whether or not the president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report contained many detailed descriptions, until we see for ourselves, with our own eyes, exactly what took place during these secret rendezvous between the president and Miss Lewinsky, we won't have all the facts necessary to determine if the president's statements before the grand jury constituted a crime."

In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to reenact several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly engaged, including but not limited to: deep or "French" kissing, under-the-sweater fondling, and vaginal penetration with various objects.

Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the reenactment as "a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies of this administration to humiliate the president," chief prosecutor Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to ensure a fair trial.

Above: Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) speaks to reporters about Monica Lewinsky's Senate-ordered re-fellating of the president.

"How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details? Yes, we know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss Lewinsky's vagina, but just how many inches of it did he manage to work all the way up inside there?" Hyde asked. "What were their exact facial expressions at key moments of ecstatic release? To what extent did Miss Lewinsky's ample bosom bounce to and fro as she vigorously bobbed her head up and down? Precisely how much of the president's erect penis was Miss Lewinsky physically able to force deep into the back of her throat? Was there gagging involved? Were the president's balls, at any point in the proceedings, licked? If we do not explore every possible detail of these shocking improprieties, we will never know the answers to these vital questions of national security."

"If President Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the citizens of this nation," Hyde added, "he will cooperate fully in these proceedings and allow himself to be sucked off with calm, reserved dignity, without resorting to partisan name-calling. Nothing less than the very future of our country is at stake."

More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is scheduled to begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings will be televised. Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to have the reenactments performed in a closed-door session, most senators are demanding that they be included in the regular televised broadcasts of the trial, citing the imperative of the public's "right to know."

"If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing to hide, he should have no reason to fear providing full disclosure—including full frontal nudity, if necessary—before the American people," Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX) said. "As elected officials, we have taken a solemn oath to serve the interests of those we represent. If we fail to provide the public with the whole truth—no matter how sordid, depraved, perverse or even vicariously titillating it may be—we have failed in our duty to the people of this nation."

In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected, complete coverage of the presidential fellating, as well as related "second-" and "third-base" sex acts, will be aired live on C-SPAN. Highlight footage of particularly critical segments, such as genital/anal contact and ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all the prime-time network newscasts.

Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the ease of global dissemination via television and the Internet, footage of the Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the most widely seen in history, with near-constant re-airings on cable TV likely to last well beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are expressing alarm over such a prospect.

"How am I supposed to explain to my six-year-old daughter that the president is fucking some girl's mouth on TV?" asked Lorraine Sanders, associate director of the What About The Children? Foundation and a staunch presidential-penis-penetration opponent. "For God's sake, she's only a child. An innocent child!"

"This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed to," said concerned parent Judith LaFleur, who is leading a campaign to place content-warning labels on federal legislators. "Watching the president get his cock feverishly sucked is for mature, responsible adults only."

Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised uncensored and in their entirety, calling it "a matter of ethics."

"This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its 210-year history," Hyde said. "We are talking about the possible removal of the highest elected official in the land, and that is not the sort of matter that should be trivialized."

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