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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
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Library Of Congress Completes Destruction Of 70 Million Works Deemed Culturally Insignificant

WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had selected the pieces because of their lack of any intellectual, historic, or aesthetic value, the Library of Congress reportedly completed destruction Friday of 70 million works deemed culturally insignificant. “Following an exhaustive six-year audit of our collection, we determined that nearly half the books, recordings, films, photographs, and manuscripts in our archives were of such little consequence to the cultural canon that they were worthy of complete eradication from the American consciousness,” said Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden, explaining that institution officials had, as of this morning, finished incinerating the final batch of meaningless creations, including 15 tons of outdated medical texts, hundreds of 19th-century telegraph line maps, and the 2010 motion picture The Last Airbender, in order to ensure they were not preserved for future generations. “In some cases, such as our vast troves of military march sheet music and photographic negatives of rural Americans quilting, works were selected for destruction based on their lack of artistic merit, while others, like Styx’s The Serpent Is Rising and the movie sequel Grease 2, represent the nadir of a particular historical era. Wiping out these terrible pieces is vitally important to maintaining our proud, rich cultural heritage.” Hayden added that the Library of Congress did elect to preserve the film Con Air, which the board members guiltily admitted they still like to watch, even if it is kind of shitty.

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