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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Library Of Congress Adds 3 Titles To List Of Films That Should Be Destroyed Forever

WASHINGTON—The Library of Congress announced this year's selections for the National Film Incineration Project on Tuesday, naming three titles it had chosen to permanently eradicate for the sake of future generations. "As an institution tasked with the preservation of our nation's cultural heritage, it is with a sense of profound responsibility that we commit these works to the flames," NFIP president Lawrence Feldman said as workers shoveled every known copy of Hollow Man 2, Nights In Rodanthe, and Rock Star into a furnace burning at 6,000 degrees Fahrenheit. "I'd like to thank our librarians for their painstaking work combing thrift stores for VHS tapes and personally deleting every known digital version of these unremarkable films." Observers said this year's list was smaller than those of years past, mainly because Feldman reportedly believes that Surviving The Game and A Knight's Tale are both actually pretty entertaining and underrated.

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