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Libyan Rebels Still Working Full-Time At Other Jobs

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Libyan Rebels Still Working Full-Time At Other Jobs

TRIPOLI—Rebel forces hoping to oust Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi confirmed Tuesday that they were having difficulties coordinating their rebellion while still working a full 40-hour week at their other jobs. "Obviously I'd love to combat Qaddafi's army and win our nation's freedom all day, but the reality is I've got to make a living here and my boss is pretty stingy about time off," said Libyan resistance fighter and day-shift cab driver Husni Deghayes, adding that while he occasionally lobs a few grenades at government forces on his lunch break, he rarely has time to do so before he has to rush back and clock in again. "Plus, I'm a father. So really I have three full-time jobs." Deghayes went on to tell reporters that the situation is unlikely to get any easier, as he has to cover a number of upcoming shifts for his coworker who got killed in a skirmish outside Benghazi last night.

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