adBlockCheck

Libyans Agree To Come Up With Something For Qaddafi To Do All Day In Exchange For Him Leaving

Top Headlines

International

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Libyans Agree To Come Up With Something For Qaddafi To Do All Day In Exchange For Him Leaving

TRIPOLI—In an act of reciprocity they called "vital to the future of our nation," the leaders of the rebel uprising in Libya said this week they would come up with something for 68-year-old dictator Muammar Qaddafi to do all day if he agrees to relinquish power. "He's the kind of person who always needs to be busy or else he goes completely stir-crazy, so we'd be willing to find some sort of hobby for him if he consents to leave and let our nation move forward," said rebel leader Ibrahim Aldaali, adding that his group had already secured a large collection of crossword puzzles, a small vegetable garden, and a fleet of old cars for the Libyan leader to tinker with should he finally step down. "The man just needs a project. If he could direct his energy toward something more constructive, maybe he'd discover he doesn't have to spend his whole life subjugating people beneath the iron fist of a despotic regime." At press time, rebels were also considering getting Qaddafi in touch with restless former Tunisian president Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali and having the two men build a chest of drawers together.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close