adBlockCheck

Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Lie To Cover Surprise Party Sounds More Fun Than Surprise Party

HOPATCONG, NJ—A lie told to 28-year-old Kyle Bida to cover up a surprise birthday party to be held in his honor later this evening sounds a lot more fun than the actual party will be. "Why don't you come over to my place to play Xbox and drink a few beers?" said best friend Louis Welles, leading Bida to believe he might have an enjoyable, relaxing evening rather than one spent making forced small talk with coworkers and a few cousins he doesn't see that often. "And don't forget to dress up a little bit, man. We're going to hit the bars later." Though Bida is doomed to an evening far inferior to the one described to him by Welles, most of the guests will likely leave early, using excuses that are more boring than what they actually plan to do.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close