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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Lieberman's Overlords Most Displeased

EIGHT MILES BENEATH THE EARTH’S SURFACE—According to reports from deep within the secret underground lair of the Tributon IV Project, the nine executive overlords of Sen. Joseph Lieberman are most displeased with the Connecticut lawmaker's repeated insolence. “We asked the earthling Lieberman to secure the American vice presidency, and yet again he has failed us,” Overlord Xinos IV said in a statement issued telepathically from his prefrontal cortex. “Rest assured, this lowly worm shall pay dearly for his incompetence. That is all.” While the Elders of the High Council of Minerva have not yet settled on an appropriate punishment, they are reportedly considering some combination of spine extraction, laser eye-immolation, and a highly complicated process whereby the four-term senator’s pathetic earth body would be condensed into a small pellet and shot at high speeds into the planet’s molten core. Despite these reports, representatives for Sen. Lieberman said he is still scheduled to attend Saturday’s Nook Farm Harvest Festival in Hartford.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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