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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does

If I have to hear Barack Obama dodge one more question about abortion, I swear I'm going to strangle myself with this umbilical cord. I don't know how many times I have to tell you people: Life begins at conception, every life is sacred, and if you don't like it, you can suck my big, fat unborn dick.

It's the same old BS from these blue-state liberals. A fetus isn't a human being, they say. A fetus is just a group of congregated cells. A fetus doesn't have consciousness, identity, or intent. Well, you out-of-touch elitists, how's this for intent: the moment I get my placenta-covered ass out of here, you're going to wish you had me terminated, because I want my country back, and I'll do whatever I can to reclaim those values that made it great.

Speaking of which: Who's gonna stop all the illegal immigrants in this country?

Are we just going to let every last Pedro and Maria swim across the Rio Grande whenever they damn well please to milk our system for everything it's worth? If I weren't still in the embryonic stage of fetal development, and didn't more closely resemble a tadpole than a human being, I'd round up the whole lot of freeloaders and kick them out myself.

Jesus Christ, this is America—learn the cognitive skills required to speak the language!

One thing's for damn sure: no Mexican is going to climb over these uterine walls. Sorry, Paco, or whatever your name is. We're all closed up. No jobs to steal inside here.

What's the matter? Did I come on a little too strong for you liberals out there? Did I offend your delicate sensibilities? Well, you better get used to it, because I have plenty more to say, and thanks to United States Code, Title 18, Chapter 1, Section 1841, there's nothing you can do about it.

That's right, go ahead and try to lay one finger on me. I'll have Evangelical Christians on your doorstep so fast, it'll make your fucking head spin.

Just say the word.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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