Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does

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What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities:

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.

The Life And Works Of Dr. Seuss

A 50-year-old manuscript by the late Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, is being released this week, captivating nostalgic readers who grew up on seven decades of children’s books from the prolific author. Here are some highlights from Dr. Seuss’ life and work
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does

If I have to hear Barack Obama dodge one more question about abortion, I swear I'm going to strangle myself with this umbilical cord. I don't know how many times I have to tell you people: Life begins at conception, every life is sacred, and if you don't like it, you can suck my big, fat unborn dick.

It's the same old BS from these blue-state liberals. A fetus isn't a human being, they say. A fetus is just a group of congregated cells. A fetus doesn't have consciousness, identity, or intent. Well, you out-of-touch elitists, how's this for intent: the moment I get my placenta-covered ass out of here, you're going to wish you had me terminated, because I want my country back, and I'll do whatever I can to reclaim those values that made it great.

Speaking of which: Who's gonna stop all the illegal immigrants in this country?

Are we just going to let every last Pedro and Maria swim across the Rio Grande whenever they damn well please to milk our system for everything it's worth? If I weren't still in the embryonic stage of fetal development, and didn't more closely resemble a tadpole than a human being, I'd round up the whole lot of freeloaders and kick them out myself.

Jesus Christ, this is America—learn the cognitive skills required to speak the language!

One thing's for damn sure: no Mexican is going to climb over these uterine walls. Sorry, Paco, or whatever your name is. We're all closed up. No jobs to steal inside here.

What's the matter? Did I come on a little too strong for you liberals out there? Did I offend your delicate sensibilities? Well, you better get used to it, because I have plenty more to say, and thanks to United States Code, Title 18, Chapter 1, Section 1841, there's nothing you can do about it.

That's right, go ahead and try to lay one finger on me. I'll have Evangelical Christians on your doorstep so fast, it'll make your fucking head spin.

Just say the word.