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Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Life Begins When I Damn Well Say It Does

If I have to hear Barack Obama dodge one more question about abortion, I swear I'm going to strangle myself with this umbilical cord. I don't know how many times I have to tell you people: Life begins at conception, every life is sacred, and if you don't like it, you can suck my big, fat unborn dick.

It's the same old BS from these blue-state liberals. A fetus isn't a human being, they say. A fetus is just a group of congregated cells. A fetus doesn't have consciousness, identity, or intent. Well, you out-of-touch elitists, how's this for intent: the moment I get my placenta-covered ass out of here, you're going to wish you had me terminated, because I want my country back, and I'll do whatever I can to reclaim those values that made it great.

Speaking of which: Who's gonna stop all the illegal immigrants in this country?

Are we just going to let every last Pedro and Maria swim across the Rio Grande whenever they damn well please to milk our system for everything it's worth? If I weren't still in the embryonic stage of fetal development, and didn't more closely resemble a tadpole than a human being, I'd round up the whole lot of freeloaders and kick them out myself.

Jesus Christ, this is America—learn the cognitive skills required to speak the language!

One thing's for damn sure: no Mexican is going to climb over these uterine walls. Sorry, Paco, or whatever your name is. We're all closed up. No jobs to steal inside here.

What's the matter? Did I come on a little too strong for you liberals out there? Did I offend your delicate sensibilities? Well, you better get used to it, because I have plenty more to say, and thanks to United States Code, Title 18, Chapter 1, Section 1841, there's nothing you can do about it.

That's right, go ahead and try to lay one finger on me. I'll have Evangelical Christians on your doorstep so fast, it'll make your fucking head spin.

Just say the word.

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