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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Life-Changing Epiphany Wears Off On Ride Home

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite being overcome by a profound realization just minutes earlier that challenged his long-held beliefs and promised to forever alter his daily existence, sources confirmed that 42-year-old Thomas Wilson’s epiphany had fully worn off during his drive home Wednesday. The deeply affecting and eye-opening revelation, which in an instant had caused him to completely reassess his priorities, was reportedly pushed to the back of Wilson’s mind as he stopped to fill up his car with gas, fading to just a fraction of its initial impact moments later as he began listening to a podcast on his vehicle’s stereo system. According to reports, as Wilson shifted his focus to navigating road construction and merging onto a particularly busy stretch of highway, the last shred of his momentous eureka moment had nearly dissolved away. At press time, the life-changing insight was fully extinguished as Wilson walked in through his front door and discovered the latest Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue waiting in his mail.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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