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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Life-Changing Epiphany Wears Off On Ride Home

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Despite being overcome by a profound realization just minutes earlier that challenged his long-held beliefs and promised to forever alter his daily existence, sources confirmed that 42-year-old Thomas Wilson’s epiphany had fully worn off during his drive home Wednesday. The deeply affecting and eye-opening revelation, which in an instant had caused him to completely reassess his priorities, was reportedly pushed to the back of Wilson’s mind as he stopped to fill up his car with gas, fading to just a fraction of its initial impact moments later as he began listening to a podcast on his vehicle’s stereo system. According to reports, as Wilson shifted his focus to navigating road construction and merging onto a particularly busy stretch of highway, the last shred of his momentous eureka moment had nearly dissolved away. At press time, the life-changing insight was fully extinguished as Wilson walked in through his front door and discovered the latest Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue waiting in his mail.

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