Life Choices Leading Area Man To Career In Self-Storage

In This Section

Vol 45 Issue 20

Cow Genome Outlined

After six years of work, 300 scientists have unraveled the bovine genome, which may lead to better milk and meat production. What do you...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...


Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Life Choices Leading Area Man To Career In Self-Storage

ATHENS, GA—Unbeknownst to struggling sculptor Thomas Cleary, 28, several of his life choices are inevitably leading him closer to a career in the self-storage industry. "I wanted to focus more on my art, so I moved into a cheaper place in this neighborhood full of old warehouses," said Cleary, whose now lives conveniently close to Strobel's Mini-Storage and—because of his decisions to withdraw from college in 1999 and break off an engagement last year—will eventually apply for a job there. "Hopefully I'll save enough on rent to pay back what I owe [ex-fiancée] Susan. I'll probably still need to find a way to supplement my income, though." Although Cleary is powerless to avoid his future occupation, he will quickly be promoted to manager thanks to his preternatural ability to hand out metal keys.

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More