CHICAGO—Describing the sickening sight and stench of the carcasses that have become a constant presence around the clubhouse, members of the Chicago Cubs admitted to reporters Tuesday that they have become increasingly unnerved by third baseman Kris Bryant’s repeated attempts to break the team’s so-called “Curse of the Billy Goat” by slaughtering goats.
BURLINGTON, VT—Life coach David Harmon, 48, has yet to lead anyone to a major victory and has tallied a mere 6–18–1 record in his two years in the position, sources report. "I just don't know if he has what it takes to go all the way," said a former charge of Harmon's who asked not to be named. "Look at the string of losers he coached. Jack Foley? Still an assistant manager at the Burger Basket. Janet Flansbury? Divorced again, which makes three times. Did David prepare these people to go out there and win? Hell, I'm not even sure he understood the rules." Harmon's reputation has been frequently called into question by those who claim that, if life coaching is even necessary, it should only be done by those who have played the game themselves.