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Life Coach Has Losing Record

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Life Coach Has Losing Record

BURLINGTON, VT—Life coach David Harmon, 48, has yet to lead anyone to a major victory and has tallied a mere 6–18–1 record in his two years in the position, sources report. "I just don't know if he has what it takes to go all the way," said a former charge of Harmon's who asked not to be named. "Look at the string of losers he coached. Jack Foley? Still an assistant manager at the Burger Basket. Janet Flansbury? Divorced again, which makes three times. Did David prepare these people to go out there and win? Hell, I'm not even sure he understood the rules." Harmon's reputation has been frequently called into question by those who claim that, if life coaching is even necessary, it should only be done by those who have played the game themselves.

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