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Life-Raft Companion Looks Just Like Juicy Steak

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Life-Raft Companion Looks Just Like Juicy Steak

SOUTH CHINA SEA–In a development with dire implications for shipwreck survivor Warren Munsey, fellow life-raft passenger Cliff Tettleton hallucinated Monday that Munsey was a giant, anthropomorphic sirloin steak. "Wh-wh-what are you looking at me like that for?" Munsey asked the salivating Tettleton, who was busy tying a large napkin around his neck and pulling a knife and fork from his back pocket. "You're creeping me out." Munsey then experienced his own counter-hallucination, in which Tettleton turned into a vicious, slavering wolf. Disaster-survival experts warn that the situation could deteriorate if Tettleton hallucinates that the remaining canteen of potable water is a bottle of Acme Worcestershire Sauce.

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