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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Life-Raft Companion Looks Just Like Juicy Steak

SOUTH CHINA SEA–In a development with dire implications for shipwreck survivor Warren Munsey, fellow life-raft passenger Cliff Tettleton hallucinated Monday that Munsey was a giant, anthropomorphic sirloin steak. "Wh-wh-what are you looking at me like that for?" Munsey asked the salivating Tettleton, who was busy tying a large napkin around his neck and pulling a knife and fork from his back pocket. "You're creeping me out." Munsey then experienced his own counter-hallucination, in which Tettleton turned into a vicious, slavering wolf. Disaster-survival experts warn that the situation could deteriorate if Tettleton hallucinates that the remaining canteen of potable water is a bottle of Acme Worcestershire Sauce.

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