‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Lifeguard Getting Pretty Fed Up With Out-Of-Breath Kid Always Hanging On Lane Line

KATY, TX—Exasperated at the sight of the gasping child yet again latching onto the divider, lifeguard Kyle Nabinger told reporters Monday that he was getting pretty fed up with an out-of-breath kid who was hanging on the lane line. “Jesus Christ, I’ve told him four times to let go of that thing,” said Nabinger, adding that he was sick and tired of blowing his whistle at the red-faced youth for draping his arms over the cable to catch his breath. “You don’t get to swim 10 feet, wrap yourself around the line, and then start up again when you feel like it. If this kid needs to take a break, he needs to get his ass out of the water and park himself in a chair.” At press time, Nabinger admitted that the boy’s behavior, while irritating, was likely sparing him the hassle of saving him from drowning.

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