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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Lifeguard Getting Pretty Fed Up With Out-Of-Breath Kid Always Hanging On Lane Line

KATY, TX—Exasperated at the sight of the gasping child yet again latching onto the divider, lifeguard Kyle Nabinger told reporters Monday that he was getting pretty fed up with an out-of-breath kid who was hanging on the lane line. “Jesus Christ, I’ve told him four times to let go of that thing,” said Nabinger, adding that he was sick and tired of blowing his whistle at the red-faced youth for draping his arms over the cable to catch his breath. “You don’t get to swim 10 feet, wrap yourself around the line, and then start up again when you feel like it. If this kid needs to take a break, he needs to get his ass out of the water and park himself in a chair.” At press time, Nabinger admitted that the boy’s behavior, while irritating, was likely sparing him the hassle of saving him from drowning.

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