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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Lifelong Boise Resident Realizes He's Never Been To Morrison Knudsen Nature Center

BOISE, ID—Explaining to reporters that he’s been meaning to see it for years, lifelong Boise resident Dale Kirkbride acknowledged Friday that he has never visited the city’s popular Morrison Knudsen Nature Center. “I know, I know—I really should get out there, but I never seem to find the time,” said Kirkbride, who confirmed numerous friends and coworkers have told him the butterfly gardens alone are worth the price of admission. “Everyone loves the Morrison Knudsen. It’s what people come to Boise to see. Meanwhile, I’ve lived 10 minutes away from it my whole life and somehow never gotten around to it. What’s wrong with me?” At press time, sources confirmed Kirkbride had at long last visited the nature center, where he looked around briefly, bought a hat in the gift shop, and then drove back home.

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