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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Lifelong Dream No Match For First Brush With Adversity

DENVER—Despite calling it his dream job and spending years imagining how personally satisfying it would be to work in the field, Joshua Lucas told reporters this week that his lifelong goal to work at a major record label was no match for his first brush with adversity. “Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to work at one of the big three record companies putting out music for bands I love, but when the slightest hurdle presented itself I realized it’s just not possible,” the 24-year-old said after receiving a brief email from Warner Music Group saying that he had been passed over for a job opening he applied to. “It’s difficult to let go of your ambitions, but when you’ve wanted something for so long, decide to go for it, and then run into a minor obstacle at the outset, you realize there are some dreams that aren’t meant to be. There are some odds you just can’t beat.” Lucas added that although his dream was ultimately dashed by this one setback, he was able to take some solace in knowing that the deck was stacked against him to begin with.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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