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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Lifelong Dream No Match For First Brush With Adversity

DENVER—Despite calling it his dream job and spending years imagining how personally satisfying it would be to work in the field, Joshua Lucas told reporters this week that his lifelong goal to work at a major record label was no match for his first brush with adversity. “Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to work at one of the big three record companies putting out music for bands I love, but when the slightest hurdle presented itself I realized it’s just not possible,” the 24-year-old said after receiving a brief email from Warner Music Group saying that he had been passed over for a job opening he applied to. “It’s difficult to let go of your ambitions, but when you’ve wanted something for so long, decide to go for it, and then run into a minor obstacle at the outset, you realize there are some dreams that aren’t meant to be. There are some odds you just can’t beat.” Lucas added that although his dream was ultimately dashed by this one setback, he was able to take some solace in knowing that the deck was stacked against him to begin with.

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