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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Lifelong Dream No Match For First Brush With Adversity

DENVER—Despite calling it his dream job and spending years imagining how personally satisfying it would be to work in the field, Joshua Lucas told reporters this week that his lifelong goal to work at a major record label was no match for his first brush with adversity. “Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to work at one of the big three record companies putting out music for bands I love, but when the slightest hurdle presented itself I realized it’s just not possible,” the 24-year-old said after receiving a brief email from Warner Music Group saying that he had been passed over for a job opening he applied to. “It’s difficult to let go of your ambitions, but when you’ve wanted something for so long, decide to go for it, and then run into a minor obstacle at the outset, you realize there are some dreams that aren’t meant to be. There are some odds you just can’t beat.” Lucas added that although his dream was ultimately dashed by this one setback, he was able to take some solace in knowing that the deck was stacked against him to begin with.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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