Lifelong Love Affair With Music Ends At Age 35

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Vol 40 Issue 30

Kennel Certificate Proves Who Puppy Daddy Is

VALLEY MILLS, TX—An AKC certificate of pedigree proves conclusively that Duke, a 2-year-old Rottweiler from nearby Rock Springs, is the puppy daddy of Skipper, a Rottweiler born July 20, Cloverleaf Kennel sources reported Monday. "Duke can bark excuses all day and night, but this pedigree proves that Skipper his," said attorney Seth Freidman, who represents Ginger, Skipper's mama. "Duke should be responsible for Skipper's upbringing. I'm sick of hearing that it's a male dog's nature to seek out multiple breeding partners." A spokesperson for Duke said his client was lured by Ginger's promiscuity, insisting that "everyone know the bitch have litters by three different dogs before Duke."

Teen Gives Up Smoking Pot After Seeing Parents High

DEDHAM, MA—Elyssa Schuster, 16, swore Monday that she will never again experiment with marijuana after coming home to "obviously baked" parents Harold and Judy Saturday night. "I used to think smoking pot made you look cool, but, boy, was I wrong," Schuster said. "Dad got all paranoid about the mortgage rate while Mom spent an hour giggling about how dusty the ceiling fan was. It was so sad and depressing." Schuster said she was thankful to be scared straight before she made a fool of herself again.

Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number of Mexicans

MEXICO CITY—American tourist Michael Anderson expressed amazement Monday at the vast number of Mexicans populating Mexico City. "I guess it's obvious that the city would have a lot of Mexicans, but I wasn't mentally prepared for it," Anderson said. "I mean, really—they were everywhere. Tons of them. On every street corner. They were just everywhere." Last year, Anderson experienced similar culture-shock at the number of Asians in San Francisco's Chinatown.

Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

SAN FRANCISCO—Many web users were trapped without service Monday, when a large section of the Internet collapsed under the weight of the millions of baby pictures posted online. "Some personal web pages contain literally hundreds of adorable infant photos," MCI senior vice-president Vinton Cerffe said. "Add to that the number of precious pumpkins on photo-sharing sites like Ophoto.com, and anyone can see it was a recipe for disaster. The Internet simply was not designed to support so much parental pride." Cerffe said he expects regular web-traffic flow to resume once the nation's larger Internet providers are reinforced with stronger cuteness-bearing servers.

The 9/11 Panel Report

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think?

Give Me Just One More Chance

If you knew how much pain I am in while I write this column, you would read it all the way to the end and be moved by the heartache in every word. Each sentence contains the pain of my soul, and in particular the part of the soul that yearns for you but has been pushed aside.

Rumsfeld Sick Of Jokes About His Fat Girlfriend

WASHINGTON, DC—During a coffee break at the Pentagon Monday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that he will no longer stand for jokes made at the expense of his 5'7", 197-pound girlfriend Mavis Delsman. "I can enjoy a good laugh just like anybody, but the next person to make a crack about my Mavis will be making jokes in the unemployment line," Rumsfeld said. "She's a very nice person and doesn't deserve to be talked about in that way." Rumsfeld added that he will take punitive action against the entire department if he even hears the phrase "junk in the trunk," whether it's in reference to Delsman or not.
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Lifelong Love Affair With Music Ends At Age 35

CLEVELAND, OH—Sam Powers' lifelong passion for music ended this past weekend, when the 35-year-old camera-store assistant manager realized that he no longer derives pleasure from listening to and acquiring new music.

Powers, who no longer has strong feelings for music, enjoys a quiet evening alone.

"It's always sad when something you thought would last forever ends, but I simply don't have the energy to put into it anymore," Powers said Monday. "I'll always love music, but it's not going to be at the center of my life anymore. My priorities have changed, I guess."

Powers said he realized the love affair, which began in 1979 when his brother introduced him to the first Van Halen album, was over Saturday. While preparing spaghetti at his home, Powers chose silence over a TV On The Radio album his friend had burned him.

"Last week, my buddy went to see this band, but I just didn't feel like going out that night," Powers said. "I started to listen to their album, and even though it really seemed like my type of music—well, I didn't know any of the songs. I was just about to put Beck on when I realized that I'd rather be alone with my thoughts.'"

"Look," Powers added, holding the fingers of his right hand aloft. "My nails used to be worn to the quick from peeling off CD seals. Look at them now. I'm gonna have to use clippers."

While he said he will miss the deep bonds forged during a lengthy relationship based on respect and admiration, Powers declared the painful decision final.

"Things were running on autopilot for the past few years," Powers said, pulling a copy of the 1982 X album Under The Big Black Sun from his shelf and staring at it. "I went through the motions for a while—buying a few CDs off the critics' year-end lists and making it out to a show here and there. But really, that rush I used to feel was gone."

Powers said it was during the mid-'90s that his longtime flirtation with music developed into a serious involvement with the post-punk scene, one that some say bordered on obsession.

"If he wasn't at a show or a record store, he was at home listening to music," friend Keith Tellingham said. "Music and Sam were inseparable. He always had a CD player on him. You couldn't be around him for more than five minutes without him bringing up music. Man, he had it bad. I still remember the glow on his face at the Shellac/Tar/Six Finger Satellite show a decade ago."

In spite of reports like Tellingham's, Powers said he is now secure enough in his musical tastes to not need to chase down new bands like he did when he was younger.

"When I was 22, I felt I needed to find out who was out there and experiment with all different kinds of music," Powers said. "But I just don't have the stamina for that now. I can't get up the energy to seek it out anymore. I'd rather just listen to the bands I already know. If that, even."

As recently as 1996, Powers could express some familiarity with nearly every popular recording artist. Today, he draws a blank when asked to recall any current Top 10 single.

"The type is so tiny on these charts," Powers said. "What's 'Los Lonely Boys'? Are they like Los Lobos? What's with the 'Los'? 'Hoobastank'? Jesus. Probably some shit punk-metal band, right? No, on second thought, don't tell me. I don't even want to know."

Longtime friend Dean Halperin said that it was Powers' own refusal to commit sufficient time and energy to music that destroyed what was once a rewarding part of his life.

"This was a guy who was front and center for every important show in Cleveland," Halperin said. "During the Crooked Fingers concert I dragged him out to last January, Sam just sat at the back of the room wearing earplugs! I even caught him watching the infomercial airing above the bar. It's too bad that it ended this way, but it's hard to feel sorry for the guy. He just wasn't committed."

Powers' breakup with music dismayed and perplexed Michael Chaudhary, singer and lead guitarist for Same Four Guys, a local band Powers saw occasionally during the past several years.

"Fuck [Powers]," Chaudhary said. "What does he think? That he can drop me from his life, just like that? I should've known he was never going to get serious about being our fan. If he was, he would've done the right thing and bought one of our T-shirts a long time ago."

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