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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Lilith Fair Performers, Attendees Achieve Largest-Ever Synchronized Ovulation

SALT LAKE CITY, UT–In what is believed to be the largest group ovulation in history, more than 20,000 Lilith Fair performers and attendees simultaneously released ova into their uteruses Tuesday.

Singers Sarah McLachlan (left) and Paula Cole celebrate the history-making egg-release.

The collective egg-release, which took place at 11:24 p.m. MST, capped off a five-hour concert featuring such nurturing, supportive female artists as Paula Cole, Shawn Colvin, Natalie Merchant, and Lilith Fair founder Sarah McLachlan.

"This mass ovulation is a celebration of our fertility. It's a celebration of our sisterhood," said McLachlan, her uterine wall lined with nutrient-rich blood. "By releasing these eggs, we recognize and honor our collective femininity."

Singer Joan Osborne, who joined McLachlan in a duet of the McLachlan hit "Sweet Surrender" following the historic ovulation, called the experience "the most affirming of my life."

"The energy radiated by everyone on stage and in the crowd was exhilarating. As a woman, I felt totally empowered," said Osborne, whose 1997 song "One Of Us" spent six weeks at the top of the charts. "My fallopian tubes are glowing."

According to McLachlan, the synchronized ovulation, sponsored by Volkswagen, Starbucks and Bioré Pore Cleansing Strips, was successful because of the "incredibly supportive atmosphere" of the concert.

"Everyone at the show was surrounded by other women who understand what they go through on a daily basis in this society," McLachlan said. "Knowing you have that kind of strong support system around you makes it that much easier to ovulate."

Lilith Fair concertgoers cheer ovaried singer Shawn Colvin.

Among the other artists who participated in the historic egg-release: Suzanne Vega, Amy Ray and Emily Saliers of the Indigo Girls, Sheryl Crow, Meredith Brooks, Erykah Badu and Jewel.

"To me, this is what Lilith Fair all about," Saliers said. "To be able to get up on that stage and imbed an ovum in your uterus in front of 20,000 screaming, fertile fans who are doing the same thing, well, that's just the ultimate."

"I've never been around so many people who share my interest in women's issues and social justice," Jewel said. "It makes me want to ride my horse bareback through a forest stream."

Fans were equally excited.

"Without a doubt, that was the best concert I've ever been to," said Rebecca Roth of Ogden, UT, wearing her $27 "I Ovulated At Lilith Fair" souvenir T-shirt. "The Indigo Girls and Sheryl Crow and Natalie Merchant were all so amazing. And Sarah [McLachlan] looked beautiful. I have to get that skirt she was wearing."

"I am going to be so sad when I menstruate my egg," fellow concertgoer Angela Hiller of Provo, UT, said. "I totally wish I could keep it inside me forever as a reminder of this special day."

The Lilith Fair tour concludes Aug. 31 in Vancouver, British Columbia.

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