adBlockCheck

Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today that the troubled actress’ rehab stint is off to a fantastic start—oh, wait, she’s gone. “I’m happy to report that Lindsay has acknowledged her addictions and is finally serious about getting clean and—hold on, where’d she go?” said Betty Ford substance abuse counselor Tamera White, who claimed that the Hollywood starlet had entered into her 90-day treatment program with enthusiasm, actively engaging in group therapy and showing a genuine desire to break from the habits—except reports now confirm she’s not in her room, her purse is gone, and she’s running out the front entrance. “Hmm. Okay. Well, better luck next time, I guess.” At press time, Lohan has been taken into police custody after crashing her Corvette two blocks away from the recovery center.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close