Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone

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Vol 49 Issue 19

Dog Owners Have Healthier Hearts

The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets.

New to the market!

Lovely two-bedroom, one-bath condo, carefully renovated to retain the intoxicating scent of previous tenant Lisa.

Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and s...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today that the troubled actress’ rehab stint is off to a fantastic start—oh, wait, she’s gone. “I’m happy to report that Lindsay has acknowledged her addictions and is finally serious about getting clean and—hold on, where’d she go?” said Betty Ford substance abuse counselor Tamera White, who claimed that the Hollywood starlet had entered into her 90-day treatment program with enthusiasm, actively engaging in group therapy and showing a genuine desire to break from the habits—except reports now confirm she’s not in her room, her purse is gone, and she’s running out the front entrance. “Hmm. Okay. Well, better luck next time, I guess.” At press time, Lohan has been taken into police custody after crashing her Corvette two blocks away from the recovery center.

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