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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Lindsay Lohan's Rehab Stint Off To Great Start—And She’s Gone

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Just a few days after beginning her court-ordered rehabilitation at the Betty Ford Center, sources close to Lindsay Lohan told reporters today that the troubled actress’ rehab stint is off to a fantastic start—oh, wait, she’s gone. “I’m happy to report that Lindsay has acknowledged her addictions and is finally serious about getting clean and—hold on, where’d she go?” said Betty Ford substance abuse counselor Tamera White, who claimed that the Hollywood starlet had entered into her 90-day treatment program with enthusiasm, actively engaging in group therapy and showing a genuine desire to break from the habits—except reports now confirm she’s not in her room, her purse is gone, and she’s running out the front entrance. “Hmm. Okay. Well, better luck next time, I guess.” At press time, Lohan has been taken into police custody after crashing her Corvette two blocks away from the recovery center.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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