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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Lindsey Vonn Credits Success To Really Good Ski Poles

VANCOUVER—World Champion skier and Olympic gold medal favorite Lindsey Vonn admitted yesterday that the secret to her success is her "really, really good ski poles." "There's no way I would have won 31 World Cup races without these great, great ski poles," Vonn told reporters during a press conference, noting that without the top-of-the-line ski poles, it would be difficult for her to maintain her balance or change directions during competition. "I use them a lot because I'm always skiing, and they haven't broken in half or anything. I think they're really expensive too, like over 50 bucks." Vonn, who said she was unsure if her ski poles were made of graphite or carbon fiber, urged reporters to trust her when she said that "whatever they're made of is definitely the best."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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