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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Linguistics Professor Tells Notre Dame Leprechaun To Sit The Fuck Down In Class

SOUTH BEND, IN—Multiple sources confirmed Thursday that Notre Dame Professor Geoffrey Morell paused his linguistics lecture to tell the student dressed as the Leprechaun to sit the fuck down. “Johnny, cool it, because you’re bothering me and you’re bothering the class,” said Morell, adding that he was tired of warning him every single week about this type of shit. “I know you do your dumb little song and dance during the games, but right now you’re a student, so act like it and just get in your fucking seat. Oh, and when you are out there on Saturdays, everybody thinks you’re making a goddamn fool of yourself. You are not a part of the team, you are not even a part of the band, and frankly, I think in 10 years you are going to look back on this and feel like a complete jackass. Open your damn notebook.” According to witnesses, Professor Morell also informed the Leprechaun that if he ever again walks into his classroom to find “Football Game This Saturday!” written on one of the blackboards, Morell would not hesitate to fail his ass.

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