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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Linguistics Professor Tells Notre Dame Leprechaun To Sit The Fuck Down In Class

SOUTH BEND, IN—Multiple sources confirmed Thursday that Notre Dame Professor Geoffrey Morell paused his linguistics lecture to tell the student dressed as the Leprechaun to sit the fuck down. “Johnny, cool it, because you’re bothering me and you’re bothering the class,” said Morell, adding that he was tired of warning him every single week about this type of shit. “I know you do your dumb little song and dance during the games, but right now you’re a student, so act like it and just get in your fucking seat. Oh, and when you are out there on Saturdays, everybody thinks you’re making a goddamn fool of yourself. You are not a part of the team, you are not even a part of the band, and frankly, I think in 10 years you are going to look back on this and feel like a complete jackass. Open your damn notebook.” According to witnesses, Professor Morell also informed the Leprechaun that if he ever again walks into his classroom to find “Football Game This Saturday!” written on one of the blackboards, Morell would not hesitate to fail his ass.

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