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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Linguistics Professor Tells Notre Dame Leprechaun To Sit The Fuck Down In Class

SOUTH BEND, IN—Multiple sources confirmed Thursday that Notre Dame Professor Geoffrey Morell paused his linguistics lecture to tell the student dressed as the Leprechaun to sit the fuck down. “Johnny, cool it, because you’re bothering me and you’re bothering the class,” said Morell, adding that he was tired of warning him every single week about this type of shit. “I know you do your dumb little song and dance during the games, but right now you’re a student, so act like it and just get in your fucking seat. Oh, and when you are out there on Saturdays, everybody thinks you’re making a goddamn fool of yourself. You are not a part of the team, you are not even a part of the band, and frankly, I think in 10 years you are going to look back on this and feel like a complete jackass. Open your damn notebook.” According to witnesses, Professor Morell also informed the Leprechaun that if he ever again walks into his classroom to find “Football Game This Saturday!” written on one of the blackboards, Morell would not hesitate to fail his ass.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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