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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Lions Claim They Spoiled Patriots' Season

DETROIT—Jubilant Lions fans, players, and coaches alike continue to ride the wave of good feelings and positive thinking that began after the team lost by only a single touchdown to the talented and efficient New England Patriots Sunday, a fact they say negates anything else the Patriots achieve this season. "For a team like ours to hold a lead against a team like that going into the fourth quarter… As far as we're concerned, an era ended with that game," Lions GM Matt Millen said Monday. "Tom Brady had to pull 15 points out of nowhere to beat us, didn't he? That's the sort of last-minute heroics that can haunt a team forever." Patriots coach Bill Belichick, while not willing to declare the Patriots' season a washout, admitted disappointment that his team "wound up playing that three-ring retard circus of a joke team so damn close."

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