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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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Lions Claim They Spoiled Patriots' Season

DETROIT—Jubilant Lions fans, players, and coaches alike continue to ride the wave of good feelings and positive thinking that began after the team lost by only a single touchdown to the talented and efficient New England Patriots Sunday, a fact they say negates anything else the Patriots achieve this season. "For a team like ours to hold a lead against a team like that going into the fourth quarter… As far as we're concerned, an era ended with that game," Lions GM Matt Millen said Monday. "Tom Brady had to pull 15 points out of nowhere to beat us, didn't he? That's the sort of last-minute heroics that can haunt a team forever." Patriots coach Bill Belichick, while not willing to declare the Patriots' season a washout, admitted disappointment that his team "wound up playing that three-ring retard circus of a joke team so damn close."

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