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Lions Victory Celebration Ultimately Plunges Fans Into Deeper Depression

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Lions Victory Celebration Ultimately Plunges Fans Into Deeper Depression

DETROIT—Euphoria gave way to deep, unwavering depression Sunday when fans celebrating the Detroit Lions' first win in two years realized the utter insignificance of the accomplishment, and how pathetic their unadulterated joy must have looked to the rest of the country. "I actually jumped into the arms of a complete stranger because we won against a team that finished in last place last year," Lions fan Joe Kula said of the team's 19-14 victory over the Redskins. "Celebrating a week-three victory like we just won a Super Bowl is not only unwarranted, it is preposterous and humiliating. We're a terrible football team. Oh, my God, we're so terrible." A postgame effort by the Lions to build a victory stage at the 50-yard line to honor the achievement was abandoned mid-construction.

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