Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility

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Vol 49 Issue 38

Pope: Church Must Stop Focusing On Gays, Abortion

Claiming that the Catholic Church had become “obsessed” with “small-minded rules” on social issues, such as contraception, abortion, and homosexuality, Pope Francis said the Church should be more inclusive and focus on spreading me...

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Three Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week three games: Chiefs at Eagles OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Eagles — The Chiefs will completely fall apart during Andy...

Weak Little Man Asks For Help

LINCOLN, NE—Apparently too weak and feckless to execute the task on his own, utterly pitiable little sales associate Nick Gardocki, 27, pathetically asked his coworkers for help on a project Friday afternoon, sources confirmed.

Best Sports Movies Ever Made

With the auto-racing film Rush coming to theaters next week, Onion Sports examines the greatest sports movies of all time. Rocky: The iconic boxing film has inspired millions of dipshits to run up the steps of the Philadelphia...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Liquor Commercial Featuring Dance Party On Pirate Ship Also Includes Important Message About Responsibility

NEW YORK—According to sources, a recently aired TV ad featuring dozens of rum-guzzling pirates swinging on ropes while dancing with scantily clad women to Caribbean steel-drum music also included a voice-over narration urging viewers to use caution while consuming alcohol. “Please drink responsibly,” said the ad’s narrator, just seconds after a group of boisterous, maniacally laughing pirates sang a sea chanty and hoisted brimming mugs of alcohol while firing every one of the ship’s deck cannons. According to sources, the ad was followed by a commercial in which a child drizzles frosting on a toaster strudel while a narrator says, “part of a balanced breakfast.”

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