adBlockCheck

List Of Friends Revised After Birthday Party

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

List Of Friends Revised After Birthday Party

LOS ANGELES—Due to her friends' actions at, or absences from, her 22nd birthday party at the Three Of Clubs Saturday night, Angela Linton was forced to revise her list of friends Monday.

Linton, who was forced to tighten her friend circle.

"Last week, I counted Sheila Miller among my very good friends," Linton said. "But I guess she had something a lot cooler to do on the night of my 22nd birthday. Well, I'm sorry, but if she didn't want to see me Saturday, she doesn't have to see me ever again. She's off the list."

Linton said she had roughly 75 friends last week, but the figure plummeted to less than 60 following her birthday party. The list of friends has not seen such a dramatic revision since her modern-dance performance at the Grace Unitarian Church in November 2003.

Party attendance alone did not guarantee continued inclusion on the friend list. Ex-boyfriend Jack Freedman was excised for bringing an inappropriate guest to Linton's party.

"Jack showed up two hours late with his arm around some little tramp!" Linton said. "She was so skinny she looked like she had an eating disorder, and her roots were showing. It was supposed to be a nice night to celebrate my birthday, not some sort of revolting show-and-tell for whatever slut he's sleeping with this week."

Added Linton: "I thought he was my friend, but I guess I was wrong. Unless he makes it up to me, Jack's name has a line through it."

Those names that did remain on the list were subject to a vigorous reshuffling.

Ilana Reynolds, who has been friends with Linton since middle school, slipped 11 spaces, because she spent the entire party sitting in a back booth and talking to other guests. According to Linton, Reynolds didn't even try to move closer to her, even though it was her party.

"I was like, 'I'm over here,'" Linton said.

But some of Linton's friends were lucky enough to have their status raised.

"[Coworker] Tony [Colella] scored real points by buying me an amaretto sour—my drink—without my asking," Linton said. "I've only been out with him a couple of times, and he totally remembered what I like. He jumped up 15 places."

Most of Linton's friends are unaware of her list. Even those who suspect that the list exists display a striking ignorance of the way their behavior affects their status.

"If she's got a list, I'm definitely on it," said high-school friend Priya Shah, who was removed from the list after getting embarrassingly drunk on Saturday, interrupting Linton while she was telling a story, and hitting on Linton's 17-year-old brother Vince. "I've known Angie for too long for anything to get between us. We've been through it all."

One expert called Linton's list-making a "sign of today's fast-paced, interconnected world."

"While older people tend to see their social circles shrinking, people in their 20s are seeing their friend groups expand to an almost unmanageable size," said USC sociology department chair Herbert Rouse, author of More Than Grades: Keeping Score In Social Schools. "They find they are still in touch with acquaintances from their past—high-school friends, family friends, former neighbors, and the like—while at the same time their social circles are widening to include new friends from college, coworkers, and people met through activities and interests. Who's got time to deal with someone who can't even call to say they're sorry after they didn't make it to your party? I'm sorry, but no."

Although Linton is "disappointed" in her former friends, she said only the rare excision is permanent.

"A lot of people hurt me on Saturday, and they've got their work cut out for them to win me back," Linton said. "But I've had friends in worse positions who've managed to make their way back onto my list. I mean, after stumbling out and stiffing me for the cab ride home, Brittany is off forever, but the others still have a shot."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close