adBlockCheck

Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

List Of Politically Achievable Reforms Down To Just Three Minor Changes To Traffic Code

WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the Pew Research Center, the number of reforms to U.S. law that could conceivably pass both houses of Congress and be signed into law is now down to three minor alterations to the nation’s traffic code. “Reinstating a federal speed limit, provided it is not overly restrictive, could plausibly reach the required number of aye votes in the House and, with some arm-twisting in the Senate, could feasibly make it to President Obama’s desk,” stated the report, which considered thousands of potential reforms to every federal law, statute, and regulation and rigorously weighed their ability to pass through the 113th Congress. “And it’s within the realm of possibility that Obama could lead a successful crusade to make right turn on red a nationwide policy, and maybe even strengthen turn signal requirements, barring a filibuster. However, any reform concerning U-turns is completely out of the question. It’s just too sensitive, politically speaking.” At press time, legal scholars at the American Bar Association released a white paper contending that two of the three politically achievable reforms would be struck down as unconstitutional by the Supreme Court.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close