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List Of Politically Achievable Reforms Down To Just Three Minor Changes To Traffic Code

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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List Of Politically Achievable Reforms Down To Just Three Minor Changes To Traffic Code

WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the Pew Research Center, the number of reforms to U.S. law that could conceivably pass both houses of Congress and be signed into law is now down to three minor alterations to the nation’s traffic code. “Reinstating a federal speed limit, provided it is not overly restrictive, could plausibly reach the required number of aye votes in the House and, with some arm-twisting in the Senate, could feasibly make it to President Obama’s desk,” stated the report, which considered thousands of potential reforms to every federal law, statute, and regulation and rigorously weighed their ability to pass through the 113th Congress. “And it’s within the realm of possibility that Obama could lead a successful crusade to make right turn on red a nationwide policy, and maybe even strengthen turn signal requirements, barring a filibuster. However, any reform concerning U-turns is completely out of the question. It’s just too sensitive, politically speaking.” At press time, legal scholars at the American Bar Association released a white paper contending that two of the three politically achievable reforms would be struck down as unconstitutional by the Supreme Court.

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