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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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List Of Politically Achievable Reforms Down To Just Three Minor Changes To Traffic Code

WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the Pew Research Center, the number of reforms to U.S. law that could conceivably pass both houses of Congress and be signed into law is now down to three minor alterations to the nation’s traffic code. “Reinstating a federal speed limit, provided it is not overly restrictive, could plausibly reach the required number of aye votes in the House and, with some arm-twisting in the Senate, could feasibly make it to President Obama’s desk,” stated the report, which considered thousands of potential reforms to every federal law, statute, and regulation and rigorously weighed their ability to pass through the 113th Congress. “And it’s within the realm of possibility that Obama could lead a successful crusade to make right turn on red a nationwide policy, and maybe even strengthen turn signal requirements, barring a filibuster. However, any reform concerning U-turns is completely out of the question. It’s just too sensitive, politically speaking.” At press time, legal scholars at the American Bar Association released a white paper contending that two of the three politically achievable reforms would be struck down as unconstitutional by the Supreme Court.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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