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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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List Of Things Man Wants To Do Before He Dies Just List Of TV Shows

SCHAUMBURG, IL—When Jack Mannahan's elderly father passed away this spring, the 53-year-old decided to draw up a list of things that he had to do before he could die a happy man. The document, which was recently leaked to the press, turned out to be nothing more than a listing of popular television shows. "There's so much I have yet to experience, like finally catching up on the last couple years of 24," Mannahan said. "My life won't feel complete if I never see what Veronica Mars is all about. And I need to finish about a half-dozen seasons of The Simpsons. Also, I'm ashamed to say it, but I've never even seen an episode of that House show that's gotten such rave reviews." Mannahan added that the loss of his father has given him a new perspective on the importance of family, motivating him to finally crack the plastic on the Battlestar Galactica DVDs his son bought him last Christmas.

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