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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Listen To The First Jock Jam, 'Inside The Bowels Of The Great Steam-Ship'

It was in 1902 that an obscure composer named Alexander Oriana forever changed the sporting landscape by introducing the first Jock Jam at Sportsman's Park in St. Louis, Missouri. Though his name has largely been forgotten to history, his contributions to music and sports have not -- every pounding bass line and blaring orchestra hit you hear in Jock Jams today can be traced back to Oriana's experiments in dissonance and uncomfortable volume in his St. Louis studio.

For the first time, the Onion Sports Network has obtained a recording of Oriana's song "Inside The Bowels Of The Great Steam-Ship." Listen below for an exclusive look at the genesis of screeching stadium pump-up music.

The Bowels Of The Great Steam-Ship

While inventing the modern Jock Jam from his theories about agitating crowds and shattering the peace and natural rhythm of sporting events, composer Alexander Oriana kept a detailed journal of his experiments in shrieking, unpleasant noise. Here are some of the records he kept:

Letters from those who attended the game show a crowd deeply shaken and disturbed by the rioting that engulfed the stadium, and the noise that precipitated it. Reactions like these further convinced Oriana that his grand experiment had been a success, and though it would take decades to overcome the resistance of squeamish fans, history would bear him out.

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