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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Listen To The First Jock Jam, 'Inside The Bowels Of The Great Steam-Ship'

It was in 1902 that an obscure composer named Alexander Oriana forever changed the sporting landscape by introducing the first Jock Jam at Sportsman's Park in St. Louis, Missouri. Though his name has largely been forgotten to history, his contributions to music and sports have not -- every pounding bass line and blaring orchestra hit you hear in Jock Jams today can be traced back to Oriana's experiments in dissonance and uncomfortable volume in his St. Louis studio.

For the first time, the Onion Sports Network has obtained a recording of Oriana's song "Inside The Bowels Of The Great Steam-Ship." Listen below for an exclusive look at the genesis of screeching stadium pump-up music.

The Bowels Of The Great Steam-Ship

While inventing the modern Jock Jam from his theories about agitating crowds and shattering the peace and natural rhythm of sporting events, composer Alexander Oriana kept a detailed journal of his experiments in shrieking, unpleasant noise. Here are some of the records he kept:

Letters from those who attended the game show a crowd deeply shaken and disturbed by the rioting that engulfed the stadium, and the noise that precipitated it. Reactions like these further convinced Oriana that his grand experiment had been a success, and though it would take decades to overcome the resistance of squeamish fans, history would bear him out.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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