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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Listener Consumed By Spittle On Corner Of Mouth

DOWNERS GROVE, IL—The words of area resident Pete Fargas were lost Saturday on listener Lois Dumas, who was rendered unable to concentrate due to a gob of spittle on the left corner of Fargas' mouth. "He kept talking, and I kept nodding, but I really couldn't focus on anything but the spittle," Dumas said. "I was just hoping he would eventually sense its presence and clear it away with his tongue, but he never did."

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