adBlockCheck

Literary Study Finds All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ Conflict

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Literary Study Finds All Modern Narratives Derived From Classic ‘Alien Vs. Predator’ Conflict

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Explaining how the timeless clash between the two sides remains among the most elemental forms of storytelling worldwide, a study published Tuesday by researchers at Oxford University has concluded that virtually all modern narratives are re-expressions of the classic Alien Vs. Predator conflict. “The Epic Of Gilgamesh, Paradise Lost, The Old Man And The Sea—each is simply a different culture’s exploration of the ageless, universally relatable struggle between Alien and Predator,” said study co-author Dr. Gavin Horsley, who noted he has yet to encounter a civilization whose most prized written works and oral traditions did not derive from the prototypical confrontation between the savage Xenomorphs and their technologically advanced, extraterrestrial humanoid adversaries. “Even when the conflict is internal, such as that of the titular character in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, it’s one’s internal Alien versus one’s internal Predator—an extension of the classic AvP ur-myth that underpins every fictive struggle.” Horsley went on to cite Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem as “a narrative Rosetta Stone” to deciphering any other sequel in the Eastern or Western canon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close